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Morons (excluding Troy, see his blog for HIS stupidity) The Further Adventures of Sheriff Larry The Bacchanal Music and Food-to-Go Things Troy wishes he had said
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The Bacchanal: Music and Food-to-GO-GO
Welcome to the Music and Food section of the website. Here we mix the truly demented music and food that Troy tends to use to torture everyone he knows (and the many people who wished they had STAYED strangers...). First off lets start with a little song that educates us mere mortals to the pain and suffering of those truly astounding, yet much maligned and under-rated Middle Aged Women. And while I personally feel that Marilyn Manson is a worthy of a prolonged death through torture, I do indeed hope my kids like the song Marilyn Manson sung by my new band Prolonged Death Through Torture...
HEART ATTACK on a PLATE Now it has been said that the grandest version of "Heart Attack on a Plate" belongs to Dave Rickertts. I, however, tend to think that my personal version is (of course) vastly superior!!
WARNING!!!
This recipe has been known to give perfectly healthy Cardiac Surgeons massive coronaries just from reading the ingredients list. If you have a case of “delicate internal organ syndrome” please read no further… In fact, why don’t you consult a good shrink, you freakin’ pansy!!
Before we start cooking, let's take a moment to talk about kitchen safety. Be sure to read, understand and follow all the instructions that come with your
My oldest son, James, displaying proper kitchen safety procedures…
Equipment Prep
Ok, first and foremost you will need a good sized Crock Pot. I personally like the ones with the removable crockery, it makes things easier to store and clean…
Second: A good sized (12” or preferably 14”) skillet with straight sides and a snug lid.
Third: Your favorite alcoholic beverage on ice. A nice 48oz Jose Cuervo Gold Margarita over finely shaved (not crushed!!) ice is my personal drink of choice…
Ingredients
2-3 lbs of your favorite steak meat, such as rib eye, sirloin, fillet, etc. Cut the meat into approximately 1-1.5 inch cubes.
1 lb of bacon
1 small brown onion (put it in the freezer 1-2 hours before cutting for no tears) OR ½ large brown onion OR ¼ really freakin’ huge brown onion
1 can cream of mushroom soup
½ teaspoon chili powder
1/2 tablespoon seasoned salt
1 box of “plain” toothpicks
1/2 teaspoon white pepper (or double the black pepper )
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
Steamed rice to dump this stuff on when it’s done
More Jose Cuervo
Someone else to clean up the mess while you are transported to the ER
Your notarized Last Will and Testament
A list of phone numbers for your next of kin, clearly marked, by where you think you will be “sleeping” off the meal…
Cooking Take the steak modules (hereafter referred to as “The Modules”) you have cut up and season with salt and pepper.
Take one half strip of bacon and wrap the module North to South. Take another ½ strip and wrap East to West. Secure with tooth picks. (WARNING: Wrapping South to North and/or West to East will cause everything from Armageddon to the melting of the ice caps to G. T. Creator putting out the sun, so please spare us and do as instructed!!!!)
Place the modules into a hot frying pan and brown the bacon. Don’t over do it. You just want to get the majority of the bacon grease out of the modules, the real cooking is done in the crock pot. These need to be watched so they do not burn. Stir and fiddle with semi-constantly. Drain grease off as required. When done, put on a paper towel and set aside.
Meanwhile, dice up your onion fairly fine. Nothing larger than 1/8 of an inch. (Think grater!!!) When done, drop this and all the other stuff (modules, dry spices, onion, soup, etc, BUT NOT THE RICE!!!! You make that later!!! ) in the crock pot. Set crock pot to low heat for AT LEAST 8 hours. The longer it goes, the better, right up to the 18 hour mark. After 18 hours you have some really tasty GOO with wooden "stems" floating somewhere inside.
Use a ladle to pull the meat and gravy out and pour over a bed of rice. Remember to remove the damned toothpicks before trying to eat. Serve with hot homemade bread with plenty of real butter and absolutely nothing healthy! (Why spoil the debauchery of the moment??)
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And while we listen to the lilting song stylings of my all girl band Nuns With Nasty Habits, lets make some FANTABULOUS ONION RINGS OF DEATH caused by ARTERIAL BLOCKAGE!!!! Ingredients: ( for 1-2 people. Double or quadruple as needed...although artillery support may be required, see below) 1 cup flour 4 heaping tablespoons sugar 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/4 teaspon salt 2 really well "roughed-up" eggs ( beaten severely ) 1 cup milk 2 tablespoons cooking oil ( as opposed to crude oil, which imparts a rather sick color... ) 1 really large sweet onion or several smaller sweet onions Aprox 4-6 cups peanut oil or other "high flashpoint oil" A folded up section of newspaper 10-12 large paper towels At least 2-3 Miller Genuine Draft Beers (in a bottle) or your favorite cocktail (preferrably something frozen) A baseball bat, sledge hammer, or large caliber handgun
Prep In a fairly large and deep frying pan (min 12" and with STRAIGHT SIDES!! You are going to working with 350deg oil here!) add about 1 1/2 -2" of oil. Bring up to about 350deg. Don't use alot of heat here, no Kuwaiti Burning Oil Fields please... Mix all the dry ingredients in a really large mixing bowl. In a seperate somewhat smaller bowl, assault the eggs then add milk and oil and wisk into a froth. Add frothy mixture to large bowl of dry mix and wisk roughly till well blended. Check the temp of the oil by taking just a small dab of mix (about a teaspoon full) and carefully drip it into the oil with a spoon. It should appear to "dry" almost instantly and the bottom should brown to a carmel color in about 40-45 seconds - NO SOONER than that, though. You need to be able to heat the onion without burning the shell, so adjust your heat accordingly. Slice your onion(s) while watching The Three Stooges. In this way if you get caught crying you can defend yourself by saying you laughed until you cried. Make them approx 1/4" (or 7mm for you metric bastards) thick. Seperate the rings and douche them thoughly in the batter mix. DO NOT LET THEM DRAIN!! Douche and fry. This makes the coating it's trademark thickness. Carefully place the bedouched onion rings in the oil and fry them until they are a dark caramel color on the bottom. Carefully turn them with a wooden sppon and for God's sake keep an eye on them!!! They will burn very quickly if not watched. When done remove them from the oil and spread them on the papper towels that were spread out on top of the newspaper. There will be a lot of oil drainage, so change towels often on top of the newspaper. Serve hot with ranch dressing or eat as is. Use weapon(s) generously otherwise there will be: A) An unplanned trip to the store to get more ingredients because the rotten bastards ate them as fast as you could make them and did not leave you any. B) A bunch of idiots asking if you can make some for them. C) A full scale riot D) A woman who will use the excuse of making you clean up your mess so she can abscond with THE GOODS. E) All of the above |
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