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Morons (excluding Troy, see his blog for HIS stupidity) The Further Adventures of Sheriff Larry The Bacchanal Music and Food-to-Go |
THE GUN NUTS PAGE This is the page for all the wild, nut case gun stories I find or hear about. If you hear of a TRUE story of a Gun Nut send it to me and after I verify it as being true, I will post it here for everyone to enjoy... * * * The following was used with permission from the Arizona Department of Fishy Game Presenting Tales of Arizona Gun Store Owners (Certified TRUE!!)
Whoa…Dude Customer walks in. May I help you sir? Jezz checking out some gauges. Some what? Ya know, gauges, like 10, 11, and 12s. Oh, you mean shotguns. Yeah dude. Wow you guys gots lots of shooters! Thank you, I guess. Anybody ever try to up you dudes? Up me, sir? Ya know. Rip you off, rob ya. Oh, I understand. No sir. What if I tried, would you shoot me? In a heartbeat sir. Whoa dude. Why would you do that? Gezz man. I’m not shopping here! ******************************************* I finally heard the end to that old saying “beware of the man with one gun”. Clerk: Anything we can help you with sir? Customer: No thank you. I already have ‘one’ gun. Clerk: Beware of the man with one gun, they say. Customer: You mean there are other guys out there with a wife as mean as mine? *************************************** Guns and Gold Clerk: Good morning sir may I help you? Customer: Look’n for Techs and Macs, gots some? Clerk: You mean the Tech-9 and Mac-10 and 11? Customer: That be it. Clerk: No sir we don’t carry anything like that. Customer: Do you gots an idea where I could puts my hands on one? Clerk: Sorry, don’t know of any store that handles those items. Customer: D*** man, I needs one now! Don’t you gots sometang that busts out lots of caps? And, hey, tell me where the closest jewelry store is. I’m in a hurry. Editor’s Note: The Police were called and the video surveillance tape was turned over to them. *************************************** Pre-Loaded Clips? Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Do you carry the clips loaded with factory ammo? Clerk: I’m not sure I understand. Are you looking for factory magazines or factory ammunition? Customer: Uhhhh, both. You know the clips that come with the gun from the factory that are already loaded. Clerk: Are you talking about some type of military magazine or stripper clip? Customer: Listen, it’s a pistol and I want new loaded clips. Clerk: New handguns do not come loaded from the factory sir. Customer: When I bought mine it was loaded! Clerk: Did you buy it new or used? Customer: The guy I ran into at the gas station said it was new! Is there some other store I can call that knows more than you? Clerk: Evidently sir, they all do….click. *************************************** Ready To Shoot Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Is this a gunshop? Clerk: Yes it is. Can I help you? Customer: Do you sell ammo? Clerk: Yes. What kind do you need? Customer: I need some that’s ready to shoot. *************************************** 7 M&M - Plain or Gun Nuts? A nice young lady walked into the gunshop caring a box of Remington ammo with her. Clerk: May I help you ma’am? Customer: Can I please exchange this box of ammo? Clerk: Is there a problem? Customer: Yes. My husband says it’s too big. Clerk: These are 7mm Rem Magnum 160 grain. Would he like 140 grain instead? Customer: Will they fit in the gun? Are they smaller? Clerk: Smaller? Customer: These won’t fit in the gun, they are too big. Clerk: Is his rifle a 7mm Rem Mag, or 7mm x 57 Mauser, or could it be a 7mm-08? At this point the young lady shrugged her shoulders, pulled a cell phone from her purse, and called her hubby. Customer: He doesn’t know either. He said they just need to be smaller. Clerk: I can’t just give you any ammo, it could be very dangerous! Customer: Well I’ll just have him come in with the rifle and get the right one. You know how that is… Clerk: How’s that ma’am? Customer: He’s pretty much an idiot. Clerk: Yes ma’am. *************************************** Any Ol’ Clip Customer walked into the gunshop… Customer: I need a clip for my gun and some loads. Clerk: What gun to you have? Customer: A pistol. Clerk: What make and caliber? Customer: How do I know. You’re the gun guy, don’t you know? Clerk: No, not really. Customer: Wow, you work here and you don’t know? You should know! Clerk: It’s your gun, don’t you know? Customer: It’s a .38 Super, I think. So give me a .38 super clip and some ammo. They’re all the same anyway. Clerk: Oh, I’m sorry. We just sold out of the ‘universal’ .38 super magazines. Customer: This is the third store that’s told me that! *************************************** Said What? Clerk: Hello, gunshop. Customer: Is this a gunshop? Clerk: Yes it is. Customer: Do you sell guns? Clerk: Yes we do. Customer: Which ones do you have? The clerk named off all the firearm manufacturers on the shelves. Customer: Oh…umm…I have this gun I bought in 19 and 46, right after the war. I served in the infantry… The man’s history went on for at least 15 minutes until… Clerk: What can I help you with sir? Customer: Umm…well…could you tell me who I’m talking to and why I called? *************************************** While testing a couple of handguns I couldn’t help but notice the gentleman beside me complaining that his new .454 Casull Ruger revolver just wasn’t recoiling enough! This guy kept mumbling about the wimpy recoil. He would shoot six rounds, dump the brass on the ground, reload and fire away again. Picking up one of his spent cases I noticed the head stamp, .44 special. The mouth of each case was blown out of proportion. Trying to bring this to his attention I was given that shut-up buddy look. Time to leave! *************************************** This next guy was really complaining about his .243 Remington 700 that was incapable of shooting a group of any size. He hated the gun, the loads, the scope and the sporting goods department store that sold it to him. Curious I asked, “What caliber is your gun?” A grumpy reply was, “.243”. “Are you sure it’s a .243, because you’re not even hitting the paper at 25 yards?” I asked as nice as possible. Oh man, that set him off! While the shouting match went on I looked at the barrel markings and it read .308 win! No wonder he missed his deer the week earlier. Time to leave! *************************************** Here is a good one, in a sporting good store where you could ‘smell popcorn’. A customer asked what it meant on the box of 9mm ammo 115grs. The girl said she didn’t know but would ask the manager. In a all knowing tone he answered, “That’s how many grains of powder is in each one”. (Note: The 115grs on the box stands for the weight in grains of the bullet. A normal load, in grains, for the powder charge would be something like 4.7 grains of powder (or in other words 0.304555 grams!!!!) of Bullseye brand powder. So knowing this, I wonder how fast those would be, and who makes the handgun that could shoot it?) *************************************** Hanger This One Clerk: Hello, gunshop. May I help you? Customer: Yea, I have this gun…well you could say it’s my son’s…actually it’s a friend of my son’s…uhhh. Clerk: So you have a gun that’s not yours or your sons and…? Customer: Yea, it’s a Winchester hundred something…I think. No wait…it’s a uhhh Marlin thingy…or it might be a Mossen-berg. Yea that’s it, a Mossen-berg. Clerk: Okay, you have a MOSSBERG shotgun. What’s the problem? Customer: I can only get 1 ½ of them shells in the thang under the barrel. If I push real hard sometimes, two will get in there. Clerk: Is there a plug in the gun? Customer: Nope-ery just that blankety blank coat hanger! (Note: Sorry, there’s no come back for that one.) *************************************** A Fair Trade? A scantly spandex clad 35 year old with ‘heavy mileage’ and a $2 blonde hair job walks into the gunshop. The entire time she is there her cell phone is ringing. Customer: Wow, that Glock is less than $50! Clerk: No ma’am, it’s less than $500. Customer: I don’t have that much, and I didn’t want to work today! You know? Clerk: No ma’am and I don’t want to! Now completely confused she walks up front and takes one of the phone calls. Customer: Hello this is _____. Yes I’m 23 years old, 5’3” tall, 120 pounds and a natural blonde. What would you like to do? Okay for that my going rate is $150. Where are you at? I’ll be right over. (Note: No sale was made and no trade or barter was considered. Besides that she couldn’t fill out the 4473 federal form, did not know how to spell Arizona.) *************************************** What “Kowntee” Do You Live In? Those of you good people who live in Maricopa County, this one’s for you. Here are actual spellings of your county. Merrycopa Maredcopa Maricopia Marycopa Marriecopa Minykopa Marekopa Marecopee Markopa Murcopia Maricopa ***************************************
Tumble-ina A man and woman walked into the gunshop and promptly asked for a four to six inch barrel self-defense revolver. Clerk: Most defense revolvers have a three inch or shorter barrel. Customer: Well I guess you don’t have to know much about guns to work in this joint! Clerk: Excuse me sir, would you like to explain that? Customer: (speaking louder while puffing up his chest and folding his arms) Everyone knows that any bullet shot out of a two inch barrel starts to tumble after 50 feet! *************************************** Balloon Brain Clerk: Anything we can help you with sir? Customer: I’ve done more, know more, shot more and probably have more guns than you have in the store, can you help me?! Clerk: I’m sorry sir I didn’t catch all of that. I was too busy trying to figure out how you got your head through the front door. *************************************** Black Canyon City Cat Shoot Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Hey, what works best on cats? Clerk: Bobcat or mountain lion? Customer: No, I mean cats! Clerk: Are you trying to get rid of some cats or shoot bobcat and mountain lion? Customer: NO! NO! Listen to me! I have already trapped all the cats in my neighborhood. I’m not interested in wild cats, just cats…cats. Clerk: You can’t shoot house cats sir. Customer: Sure you can. Why I’m taking all the cats I have trapped and am putting on a shoot up in Black Canyon City. I’ll be advertising in the paper and maybe some radio. Clerk: That’s not only illegal, it’s stupid! Customer: Don’t care, expect to have a big turn out. Clerk: Yea, and most of them will be wearing badges! *************************************** Clerk: Hello, gunshop? Customer: I don’t know if you’re the guy I talked to earlier but you gave me the wrong directions! Clerk: Are you on the southwest corner? Customer: Yes I am! And it’s a grocery store! Clerk: That’s on the northwest corner sir. Customer: Wait, let me check…oh, okay. Clerk: Yes sir, we are across the street. I can see you in front of the other store, with your hands in the air like a compass.
*************************************** We Don’t Need No Stinking Firing Pins A regular customer walks into the gunshop carrying an expensive rifle he had purchased there a week ago. The look on his face spelled trouble! Clerk: What’s wrong? Customer: I’ve got a $1,500 ornament for the fireplace! This rifle won’t shoot. Clerk: We are very sorry about that. Leave it here and we will get it fixed. Is it not feeding, extracting, or just not firing? Customer: I load it up, put one in the chamber, flick off the safety, pull the trigger, and nothing! I know it shoots because the manufacturer but in a target shot with this gun. See, here it is. Editor’s Note: Upon a thorough inspection of the rifle it was found not to have a firing pin. It wasn’t broke, it was not there. Which makes you wonder how the factory shot that great target they put in the box.
*************************************** No Bang For Badge Now here is one that is not only stupid but dangerous! When firearm manufacturers display their wares, at shot shows and for their sales reps to carry around to local gunshops, they take out the firing pins. A good safety precaution on their part. After the firearms have made their rounds they are sold to distributors or stores and in turn sold to John Q. Public. One particular pistol was sold to a law enforcement official as his duty weapon. For about three months that pistol was carried as a defensive weapon. The not so bright backing for a badge finally decided to shoot the ‘new’ gun. The pistol would not and could not be fired! You guessed it, NO firing pin! Makes you think about depending on some one else for your life, doesn’t it.
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AR-15 Perfection Clerk: Hello, gunshop? Customer: Do you have an AR-15 in a varmint rifle? Clerk: Yes sir, we have several different models. Customer: I’m planning on shooting at a 1,000 yards. What scope will work for that? Clerk: Well sir I would recommend a 24 or 36 power. Customer: Okay, after that I’ll just use some Kentucky windage. Does that rifle come where I can switch it to ‘full auto’? Clerk: Let me get this straight. You want an AR-15, varmint rifle, that can shoot tight groups at a 1,000 yards and also be full automatic? Customer: Yea, but I’m only looking to spend around $500. Clerk: If one ever shows up, the first one’s mine.
*************************************** Huh? (Note: Now here’s one of the best lines I have heard in all my years being around guns or cars or just about anything else!!!! Caller: What’s your cheapest most expensive rifle? *************************************** Ammo and Guns? Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Do you sell guns? Clerk: Yes sir, we are a gunshop. Customer: Well with all the stupid stores out there I never know what hairbrain idea you guys may have. Now, do you sell ammo? Clerk: (With a hairbrain idea…) Sell ammo and guns in the same place? Wouldn’t that be dangerous? Customer: CLICK! ***************************************
I’m An Authority A man in his early 40s walked into the gunshop and looked at the selection of shotguns. Clerk: Anything I can help you with? Customer: No. I was raised around guns so I know all anyone needs to know. Clerk: Okay sir, I won’t bother you then. Not even five minutes later the customer points at the shotguns and asks to see one. Clerk: Which one would you like to see? Customer: The uh, black looking one. Clerk: The 12 or 20 gauge? Customer: What do you mean? You say that like there is a difference or something. *************************************** Only The Best Is Stolen Just a thought – in all my years of work involved with the firearms industry I have never had an insurance claim brought to me where the claimant had a Tasco, Simmons or BSA scope on a rifle that was stolen. Almost all of them seem to be Leupold Vari-X III, Swarovski, or Stieners. But when the police recover a stolen rifle the dirty rotten crook took off the good scope and put on one of the cheaper ones. Amazing! *************************************** Revelation or Was It Revolution? An insurance claim was faxed to the local gunshop to estimate the value of two stolen firearms. One of the guns caused a problem. You see nobody in the gunshop had ever heard of the model of gun in question, a Revelation or Revolution. A call was placed to the insurance adjuster for more information but none was to be found. A few days later while looking through one of the new gun magazines one of the shop clerks just started laughing. On the inside cover was an ad for a particular brand of firearm stating the new upgrade for the old model. The ad read “it’s a revolutionary upgraded model”. Upon checking with the firearms distributors that upgraded model was not going to be available for 2 to 4 more weeks. * Note: Now that is really bad that you not only get a particular gun ‘before’ its available but that it is stolen ‘before’ the manufacturer has released it! *************************************** A Refinished Story The wife of a regular customer came into the gunshop and bought her husband a nice Savage rifle. The rifle had a wood stock with a dark finish. A couple of weeks later the husband walked into the gunshop, happy as could be with his new present. That was until he saw a new Weatherby Deluxe rifle on the shelf. He immediately went home, snuck out the Savage rifle his wife bought him, and came back to the gunshop to trade it in for the Weatherby. Of course there was a large cash difference but that was taken care of by the ‘bank’ stash from his truck. When the ungrateful trader arrived home he had to admire the new-new rifle. In the midst of fondling the firearm his wife walked in and promptly asked, “Is that the rifle I bought you?” Without stuttering a bit he simply replied that his friend at work did a quick refinish job on the stock for him. She smiled and said that he did a great job and make sure to thank him. * Editor’s note: Can you believe the nerve of that guy? Don’t you just hate a guy like that? Just the fact that he thought of it first is what gets me! *************************************** I Have 50, Do I Hear 54? A disgruntled customer returned to the gunshop to complain about the new Pyrodex Pellets he tried to use in his muzzleloader. Customer: These pellets don’t work. They just fly out of the end of the barrel like flares. Clerk: Wow, I am surprised. We have sold a great number of these without any complaints. What can we do to make it right? Customer: Well these must have been a bad batch. I’ll just take some new ones and try it again. Give me a box of 54 caliber/50 grain pellets, some of those 50 caliber sabots with the 300 grain JHP bullets. Clerk: Your muzzleloader is a 54 caliber? Customer: Yeah. Why? Clerk: Because 50 caliber sabots in a 54 caliber rifle will have a lot of blow by. Customer: What is that? Clerk: Like little flares shooting out of your barrel. Customer: I feel real embarrassed. Just name it and I’ll give it to you. But you got to promise not to say a word to anybody. Clerk: Well, $20 should cover lunch. * Note: The clerk never received the $20... *************************************** Black and Black The phone rang at the gunshop… Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Do you guys carry Sight Black? Clerk: Yes we do. Customer: Okay. How many ‘colors’ does Sight Black come in? Note: This just struck the clerk so funny that all he could do was laugh, followed by a CLICK on the other end of the phone. *************************************** Cold Steel and Hot Iron A nice lady came into the gunshop looking for a gift for her husband. Clerk: May I help you ma’am? Customer: Yes please. My husband wants a shell thing. You know, one of those things that carries shotgun shells. Clerk: Yes I do. We have several different types right over here. Customer: Oh, this one is pretty, but a little wrinkled. Clerk: We just unpacked them. Don’t worry, they will smooth out. Customer: Okay, I’ll take it. Two weeks later the lady returned to the gunshop very upset about the shell bag. Customer: I want to return this. You sold me a bad bag. Clerk: I’m sorry if there is a problem, but we will make it right. Upon inspection of the shotshell bag the clerk noticed that it looked somewhat ‘melted’. Clerk: Ma’am, did you try to iron a nylon bag? Customer: Well it was a little wrinkled, even after the washer and dryer, so I just ironed it. *************************************** Full Service Gunshop A mother and daughter walked in the door of a local gunshop. Upon asking if they needed any help they promptly produced a list. Customer (mom type): This is a list of things my husband wants. Clerk: Well looking at this list you are in luck. We have all of this in stock. Let me get it for you. Customer (daughter type): Wow, that was easy, now if you could help with a dinner idea for tonight we would be forever grateful. Without changing an expression the clerk just replied – What do you have in the freezer? Puzzled, both women just looked at each other and replied – Pork chops I think. But we don’t have much time. Clerk: That’s no problem. Take out the chops, put them in the microwave for two minutes on medium, turn them over and give them 60 seconds on medium. This will defrost them enough that when you cook them up the inside will remain moist, yet done with a crispy outside. Ladies, in unison – What else? Clerk: Throw a can of pork ‘n beans in a bowl, microwave for a few minutes on medium-high. But before you start the chops cut up some potatoes in small pieces. This will cook ‘em faster. Also, if you want to, toss some biscuits in the oven at the same time as the taters on 400 degrees and all will be ready in less than 20 minutes. The ladies lit up like a blue light special shopping spree – Thank you so much sir! We will do all our gift shopping here from now on. Imagine, a full service store we didn’t even know about. Clerk: Thank you ladies and remember next week .22 long rifle shells are on sale and it’s Mexican chicken week. *************************************** A Remchester 70 Hundred XFL Clerk: Hello, gunshop. Customer: Hello. Is this the gunshop? Clerk: Yes it is ma’am. Can I help you? Customer: Do you sell guns? Clerk: Yes ma’am, we do, it’s a gunshop. Customer: Okay fine then. My husband wants to know what brands you carry. Clerk: Rifles, shotguns, or pistols? Customer: Just a second, I’ll ask my husband…uh, rifles. Clerk: We carry a lot of different manufacturers, any particular one in mind? Customer: Just a second I’ll ask my husband…uh, Remchester or something like that. Clerk: Remington or Winchester? Customer: Yes that’s right. Clerk: Maybe it would help if you told me the model. Customer: Just a second I’ll ask my husband…uh, 70 hundred or something like that. Clerk: We have a Remington 700 LSS in .300 Win mag. Customer: XFL Clerk: No ma’am, LSS. Customer: XLS? Clerk: No ma’am. LSS. Customer: FFL? Clerk: Ma’am, it’s a LSS, laminated stainless steel. Customer: What model is it then? Clerk: It’s a LSS ma’am. This truly went on for at least ten full minutes! Now the clerk could hear the husband in the background reciting his version of the tri-alphabet. Customer: You mean XSX? Clerk: Please listen carefully ma’am, L S S ! Customer: I don’t hear that well and now my husband is confused. Can we start over? Clerk: I’m sorry ma’am. I have got to go, I’m not feeling to well. Customer: Okay thank you…click Of course by now everyone in the store is laughing uncontrollably at the young clerk. Then the phone ran, again… Clerk: I am not answering the phone!! Someone else stopped laughing long enough to answer. Older clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? You know it was the same customer. Customer: I just called about a rifle. Was that a Remington 700 LSS laminated stainless steel in .300 Win Mag? Older clerk: Yes ma’am, you’re correct. Younger clerk: Oh yea, now they get it a half hour later. * Note: For some reason about a week or so just the mention of the letters LSS would bring the shop to its knees in laughter. Well all but one, guess who?
*************************************** Around Christmas time the female side of the species pay periodic visits to the forbidden gunshop.
Clerk: Yes ma’am, may I help you? Lady: Why yes you can. My husband is in here all the time. You probably know him. Every year for his birthday, our anniversary and Christmas I come in and buy him some kind of gun. Can you help me pick one out? The clerk, being awe struck by this lovely woman who buys, that’s right, buys her hubby three guns a year! And, for a moment he forgot himself and come up with this reply… Clerk: My condolences ma’am, I do know your husband. It hurts me to say this but he never has a good word about you. A fine looking woman who buys guns for her man should have someone who appreciates the guns…I mean her. I was wondering if the marriage is really in that good of shape? Ma’am? *************************************** Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you? Customer: Do you sell holsters? Clerk: Yes we do. What type, style or size do you need? Customer: It’s for my husband’s gun. Clerk: What kind of gun is it? Customer: I don’t know! He bought it there, you should know which one it is! Clerk: I need a little more info than that if at all possible. Customer: Just a ‘blankity-blank’ holster! Clerk: I’m sorry ma’am we don’t carry that brand. Click. *************************************** Now here’s a woman who has it figured out. Clerk: Yes ma’am may I help you? Customer: Yes, I’m looking for an inexpensive shotgun for my husband. But, could you write two receipts for me please? Clerk: Two receipts ma’am? Customer: Yes. You see whatever I spend on him for a shotgun he has to match it in jewelry for me. So the first receipt is for real and the second needs to be much higher and that one is for him to see. I have this lovely necklace already picked out and… Note: Hey guys, Perazzi is not spelled MOSSBERG! *************************************** I have heard some incredible stories that involved the 7mm Remington Magnum. Here’s a tale to top them all! Clerk: May I help you sir? Customer: Yeah, I’m looking got some heavier loads for my 7 mag. I was shooting 150 grain but now I want to step up to the 180 grain. Clerk: In factory loaded ammo I believe that 175 grain is your heaviest choice. Customer: Well, I guess so. How much more does the heavier bullet drop at a long distance? Clerk: What do you consider a long distance? Customer: My friend told me that the 150 grain out of the 7 mag is the flattest shooting cartridge in the world. Why it only drops about a half inch at 1,500 YARDS! Clerk: 1,500 yards? A half inch? The clerk pulled the Hornady loading manual from the shelf and promptly showed that a 175 grain from a 7 mag will drop 50.2 inches at 500 yards, so 1,500 yards was out of the question. Customer: If a 175 grain drops that much I’ll just shoot the 150 grainers then. Clerk: But the 150s are not any better sir. Customer: Little do you know. I know what my friend told me! Note: I don’t know about you, but I’m going out right now and buy me a 1,500 yard half inch drop 7 mm Rem Mag! ******************************************* But It’s Cheaper…Boom! Clerk: May I help you sir? Customer: Do you have any .35 Remington ammo? Clerk: Yes sir, we have one box left at $14.99. Customer: Fifteen dollars? Forget it, I’ll just go back to shooting 30-30s. Clerk: You have a 30-30 too? Customer: No, I just shoot them in my .35 Rem. Clerk: That can be very dangerous. You could literally blow up your rifle or yourself. Customer: What do you know! The 30-30 ammo fits in my .35 Rem. so I’m going to shoot them. Besides, the 30-30 ammo is cheaper. Note: Later that evening at a local gunsmith shop one of the same gunshop clerks walked in on a group of laughing gunsmiths. You see they had two empty boxes of 30-30 ammo and a rifle that had bulges in it’s barrel. Guess what caliber it was in? ******************************************* Just Any Rifle Caliber Optional A nice young man brought in some blown up brass cases and his rifle. Customer: Can you tell me what’s wrong with this rifle? Clerk: Well sir, this is a 7mm Rem Mag rifle and these are .270 Win cases. You know you can’t shot .270s in a 7 mag, don’t you? Customer: I didn’t think it mattered. I thought you just bought any rifle and could shoot whatever caliber you wanted through it. ******************************************* Literally 4 x 6s No harm meant here, just nice to see that there are a few customers out there who still listen to the gun shop clerk, literally. Customer: Excuse me sir, I’m looking for some good turkey loads and a friend of mine said to checkout Remington duplex loads. Clerk: Yes sir we have those in stock, in the 3” 4 x 6, 12 gauge, ten packs. Customer: Great. I’ll take a box.. The customer was rang up and promptly headed out the door. In about ten minutes the customer came back in the shop with the box opened and a puzzled look on his face. Clerk: Is there a problem sir? Customer: I think so. You said this had 4s and 6s in the box. Which ones are 4s and which ones are 6s? ******************************************* Roll, Roll, Roll Your Gun Powder The gunshop oral debate was in full swing and the ‘shop rats’ (regular customers who won’t go home) were wound up tight. I didn’t think anything could interrupt this deep verbal cure for the free world until a side comment was made regarding which gunpowder ‘metered’ the smoothest. From way down at the other end of the counter a new customer spoke up. I found a way, or you could say invented a way, to make all powder flow slick as owl squeezens. Silence gripped an all attentive store, stopping some shop ticks in mid-coffee cup stride. This new firearm ‘scientist’ took a deep breath, stood tall and come out with this, “I just pour the powder out of the can onto a cutting board and go over it with my wife’s rolling pin. In just a couple of minutes it’s all powdery and meters real well.” A few of the regulars thought they had their leg pulled until they realized this guy wasn’t joking! One of the gunshop clerks had to ask. “Doesn’t that kind of change your loading data?” With an authoritative smirk the reply was this, “Yea, but when you’re inventing loads you have to play with ‘em a bit.” ******************************************* Shooting Fresh I still enjoy this old favorite. Customer: Is this powder fresh? Clerk: Let me squeeze a few cans and get you a fresh one. Yes I know that’s stupid, but some days stupid is a welcome sight!
******************************************* The standard conversation was in full swing at the local gunshop. Stuff like ballistic coefficiency, speed versus knockdown and which caliber/bullet combo shoots the flattest was all in spectacular debate. Have you ever noticed that in a crisis situation time stands still and life as we know it slows down? I never believed it before, but I do now. I was there! The big bang theory went like this… Customer: Well I don’t care what ya’ all think. The 7 mm Remington Mag is the flattest shooting rafle in the world. Clerk: How do you figure that with the development of all these new ‘hot rod’ cartridges? Customer: I’ll talk slow for ya’ all, so listen careful like. See here with the 7 mag the bullet only drops a little ‘til it hits, oh, about the 300 yard spot. Then the ‘ballistic cornefficencies’ kick in and it is just straight as an arrow the rest of the way. When it runs out of pudden’ it falls to the earth. Note: I’m sorry folks. I still haven’t been able to have a comeback for that one! ******************************************* Longshot Shoulder A young man, new to the world of shotgunning, was extremely eager to get into reloading to cut the overall cost and get ‘better’ loads. Every week the newbie would come into the gun shop and ask everyone hours of questions. The inquiries all centered around the fact that the faster his loads were the less he missed. Well then logic tells us if you can get the load going fast enough you won’t miss. Right? The mistake the clerk made was telling Mr. Newbie about longshot powder from Hodgdon. Why when the most repentant clerk said that Longshot could push an ounce and an eighth load out of a twelve gauge at 1,585 feet per second, newbie’s eyes lit up like the Fourth of July fireworks. Not one, but two cans of powder was purchased and out the door Newbie ran. Two weeks later Newbie walked in calmly and told the clerk of his experiments with Longshot powder. Newbie: Hey, I shot the max load of this stuff. Clerk: Is that large bruise on your bicep from your hot loads? Newbie: Well, yea, it is. Clerk: Why is your bicep bruised? Why were you holding your shotgun way out there? Newbie: Because my shoulder couldn’t take anymore. At that moment Newbie pulled his shirt over to expose his shoulder. Clerk: WOW! That has got to be the nastiest bruise I have ever seen. Why every color of the rainbow is represented there. Newbie: Yea, but I’m able to move my arm a little now. The untold hours of Newbie’s pestering and arrogance was now being overlooked due to a nasty looking injury. Well, it was until the clerk excused himself, went into the restroom, closed the door, and proceeded to bounce off the walls with an uncontrollable childlike laughter. ******************************************* I was told this story by a couple of people, and I still shake my head in amazement. Customer: I don’t use those scales or those measure things. I shoot a .300 H&H, so I just dip the case in IMR 4831, scrape off the top and seat any old 180 grain bullet. In the summer I have to keep a little block of wood with me to open the bolt but the gun shoots okay. Note: If you are at the range and the guy next to you has a .300 H&H and a block of wood, he’s not a carpenter, RUN!
******************************************* Twenty Grains Over and Wooden Mallets A disgruntled customer stomped into a gunshop and loudly announces, “The scope that ‘they’ mounted keeps coming loose.” The gunshop employee assured the customer if there was a problem that it would be fixed. Customer: Yea, the screws on the scope bases keep coming loose and I loose my zero. Clerk: Okay, I can see where someone has tightened them up quite a bit. You don’t usually see Leupold base windage screws come loose. The rifle was a Remington 700 VLS, Thumbhole stock, stainless steel and in .300 Winchester Mag. The rest of the story is a testament of the brute strength of the 700 action. Clerk: Just out of curiosity, what factory loads are you using? Customer: Oh, I don’t use that factory stuff. I load my own. Clerk: Okay then, what powder and how many grains? Customer: Hodgdon 4831, 90 grains, with 180 grain bullet. Clerk: Said what?! I don’t believe that 90 grains will fit in a .300 Winchester Mag case. Are you sure? Because that is almost 20 grains over maximum. Customer: It is? I’m pretty sure that’s what I loaded. Hmmm, maybe it was 5 grains over maximum. Clerk: You are going to have problems loading that much powder in this heat of the summer (110 degrees). Customer: Well, maybe it was (.5) point five grains over, I’m not sure. Clerk: Was it flattening the primers? Customer: Yeah, and it was a good thing that I had a wooden mallet. Clerk: Excuse me, you said a wooden mallet? Customer: Yeah, I would load a round shoot and tap, tap, tap up the bolt then tap, tap, tap back the bolt. Load another round, fire, tap, tap, tap up the bolt and then tap, tap, tap back the bolt. I did this for about a couple of boxes or so. If you would just put some Lock-Tite on the screws and re-bore sight the scope I will try it again. Clerk: Okay I’ll do that but, here is the name of a good gunsmith. Have them check out your rifle for any damage you may have overlooked. Within an hour the gunshop received a disgruntled call from the recommended gunsmith. Clerk: Gunshop, may I help you. Gunsmith: What’s going on over there? Do you hate me? What did I ever do to you? Clerk, laughing out loud: Whatever do you mean sir? Gunsmith: Come by here when you can. I want you to see this. The recoil had been so violent that it moved, that’s right moved the barreled action back in the laminated stock almost a ¼ of an inch. This elongated the bolt holes that hold action to stock. Plus, in front and back of the action was cracks of two to three inches long in the stock. The lug had plowed away the resin impregnated laminated stock like it was butter. The rifle was repaired and the customer has it again. So if you are at the range and it sounds like thunder, run! It could be raining .300 Winchester Mag parts! ******************************************* Bloody Tales Bigger may be better but someone has to pay the price. With all the new ultra, short, improved and belted or not magnums out there gunshops all over are hearing some ‘weird’ stories. ---------------------------------- I had the pleasure of seeing this first case… Never having shot anything bigger than a 30-06 this particular shooter had to have bigger. Borrowing his Uncle’s .340 Weatherby Magnum and a box of 250 grain ammo, off to the range we went. Quickly throwing down a couple of sandbags on the bench the blood sacrifice soon began. Humping up on the scope like the proverbial monkey on a football, I warned "you better back off a little". Excitement can be deaf and the trigger was pulled. The first shot cut a deep full ¾" crescent over the right eyebrow. Blood now flowed down the side of his face past that big stupid grin on his face. The second shot jumped the rifle back and the hungry scope took a large bite out of the shooters nose. Again a perfect crescent of ¾" size. Now blood was flowing freely from two places across an even bigger smile. The third shot, yes there was one, was a little more planned, he thought. Wrapping his left hand in the sling, palm down, and up against the swivel, the slug was launched. Concentrating on scope distance from face all seemed okay. Not so! The front swivel stud flew backward with the rifle taking with it, of course, the meat of his knuckles. Now bleeding from three places profusely I could barely stop laughing long enough to render first aid. All that was said by the shooter was "look at that group, all three holes are almost touching". ---------------------------- The next ‘thumper eye ring’ walked in the front door of the gunshop. What happened to you? Uh, I got a new rifle. Magnum right? Yep. First shot? Yep. Looking straight at his face like a clock, the stitches started at 8 o’clock on the nose and ran until 4 o’clock on the cheekbone. Note: You know, maybe magnums and open sights were meant for each other. Do you have any gun powder? What type you looking for? Oh, just powder. For rifle, pistol, or shotgun? Whatever you got will work. Sir, powders have specific burning rates for particular firearms. Okay then, give me some for a Winchester. ******************************************* Hello, gunshop. Do you guys carry gunpowder? Yes we do. Which one do you need? I need a powerful one. A "powerful" one? Yeah, I’m shooting a magnum. ******************************************* Hello gunshop I want a couple of things. Sure, what ya’ need? A big can of powder… Which one sir? …uh, the cheapest you have and do you guys have any cannon fuse? ******************************************* Soccer mom? A woman walks into a local gunshop with her ten year old son. The boys asks, "Do you sell powder?" The curious owner asked back, "What type do you need?" The mother blurts out an answer, "Oh, it don’t matter. His uncle makes bombs out of it. But it’s okay, they don’t do anything bad with them." Then very plainly and a bit blunt the owner replied, "NO we don’t sell powder for that." "Come on mom, we will go somewhere else and buy it", the angry young boy responded. The mom then sadly replied, "We will just keep going to different gunshops until we find someone who will sell it to us." ******************************************* Slow powder? The manager of a local gunshop notices two young men walking back and forth in front of the metallic gunpowder section. Anything I can help you with? Yes sir. What is your slowest burning powder? Maybe it would help if you told me which caliber you are trying to reload. We don’t know. We just bought a black powder rifle at a yard sale and the guy said to burn slow powder in it. (Editor’s note: I wonder what 120 grains of IMR7828 or H1000 looks like being touched off in a "smoke pole"?) ******************************************* Customer: My shotgun is having feeding problems. Clerk: Are you using factory or reloaded ammunition. Customer: Reloads, but that can’t be a problem, I’ve been using these same hulls over and over for a long time. One month later… Customer: Hey, that shotgun shell gauge I bought from you didn’t work. Clerk: It didn’t work? Does it work now? Customer: Yeah, my hulls wouldn’t fit in the hole of the gauge so I filed out the hole and made it larger. My shells fit fine now. Clerk: Are you still having feeding problems? Customer: Yes I am. So what do you think is wrong with this gun you sold me? ******************************************* Colt SAA - You did what? Early one morning a customer purchased a second generation Colt Single Action Army in .45 Long Colt. The pistol had been well cared for and was at least in 90% condition. Later that afternoon the customer returned…. Customer removing a pistol from the box, and smiling big, handed it over to the clerk and said, Well, what do you think? Clerk: It’s another Colt SAA but not in very good condition, all the bluing is gone. Customer: Oh, I know the bluing is gone. I took it off. This is the gun you sold me this morning. Clerk: It’s what? You what? Customer: Yeah, I took it home and used Limeaway on it to remove the finish and made it look older. Neat huh! Clerk fighting back tears just handed the ugly duckling over and walked away. ******************************************* Remington 870 Power-cap-adjuster A good friend of mine works in one of the valley’s gun shops. He saw two separate customers talking in front of the counter. Walking over to assist he could hear their deep conversation. It went like this…. Customer 1: Boy these Remington 870’s are good shotguns. Customer 2: Yes they are. Do you know what this cap if for? Customer 1: No, what? Customer 2: If you are shooting hot loads you tighten it down real tight, but if you are shooting light loads just back it off a couple turns. At this point the two individuals were asked to leave. Evidently not everybody knows the cap on the magazine tube tightens down on the barrel collet and holds it in place. Imagine loosening that cap and firing a couple of boxes of shells. Give me some popcorn, my head hurts! ******************************************* Inflation for less I was in over a month ago and this gun was $40 cheaper. Why? Well, first of the year there was a price increase, and second, this gun is in stainless, the other was blue. Forget it then. I’ll just wait a while and get one cheaper! My head hurts, again. ******************************************* Reloading manuals Reloading manuals can be a gunshop nightmare. Here are a few examples: One customer stood for over an hour licking his thumb and turning pages in a new reloading book. Finally deciding he wanted to buy one he asked, "Do you have one that the page corners aren’t smudged?" Well sir, for two and a half hours you have been reading and writing down all the information in those manuals. Well it is public information! Would you like some popcorn? ******************************************* God protects children and fools A fellow varmint hunter I know talked his shotgun shooting friend into finally going calling. This ‘novice’ rushed out and bought a Remington 700 BDL Varminter in .243 caliber. A 6.5-20x40 Leupold VariX III was planted a top the rifle. These two, uh, gentlemen, went out to the rifle range to zero the new gun. The very first cartridge to be shot was the novice’s own reloads. Cartridge inserted, bolt closed, on target, and a quick jerk of the trigger. BOOM!!! The explosion rocked the entire range. People scrambled for cover everywhere. When the two gentlemen ‘came to’ so to speak, my ear ringing friend asked quite loudly, "What in the **** was that?" The .243 magnum had been made by the novice using the same powder he used in his shotgun loads. Yep, unique. Not a little, but he dipped the case in the powder, scraped off the top and seated the bullet. The scope blew off, the floor pate and magazine well left the rifle at warp speed, and get this, the bolt blew back right over the novice’s shoulder. The luckiest Gun Nut in the world did not even get a scratch. Evidently when he yanked the trigger he lifted his head to see where the bullet was going to hit, thus being missed by the once bolt, now projectile, by a fraction of an inch. The novice became very angry when Remington would not replace his firearm. You figure the pressure of this load. My calculator doesn’t go that high! ******************************************* Angry biker Customer walked into a gunshop, with a bike. Hey, can you help me! I’ll try sir, what do you need? I want you guys to find me someone to sell my gun to. I’m sorry sir, we can’t do that. Angered, the customer snaps back, "Then I’ll take my money somewhere else!" Customer rides bike out of store, leaving the clerk with a blank look on his face. ******************************************* Small objects in big holes Hello, gunshop. Hey do you have any Pyrodex pellets in stock? Yes sir. What caliber and grain weight? Caliber? What do you mean, caliber? Well sir, they come in different diameters for different size calibers. They are not all the same size? No sir. What size do you have? 50 caliber - 50 grain. What caliber is your muzzleloader? 54 caliber. (Pause)…Hey, it that why it is hangfiring and shooting funny? Yes sir, I think so. …Click! ******************************************* 1,000 rounds a day Hello gunshop. Do you have any different 7.62x39 ammo? What do you mean by different? I bought 1,000 rounds from some guy at the gunshow and the gun don’t shoot very accurate now. What kind of gun and was it accurate before? Oh, the SKS is new, we just bought it Saturday. You mean it went from good to bad in less than two days? Yeh, we went out Sunday afternoon and shot 1,000 rounds of this FMJ steel core stuff and by the time we got done it wasn’t shooting as good. Sir, are your thumbs sore from loading the magazines? Now that you mention it, yes they are. Sir I bet it’s hard to eat your popcorn now, right?
******************************************* Hello…say what?! Hello, gunshop. Yes, I bought a gun and it broke after I shot it. Yes sir, and? Well, it’s broke. Yes sir. I understand. What are you going to do about it? Sir, did you buy it from us? No, but you sell guns don’t you?! Yes sir. Well I want to trade it for one that works! Sir you should take it back to where you bought it. I tried but they said it was my problem. Sir, was half of the store’s name Mart? Well, yeah. Sir, never buy a gun where you can smell popcorn. Sir. Hello. Sir? Click! ******************************************* A .270 what? Hello, gunshop. You guys sell Weatherbys? Yes sir, we are a stocking dealer. My rifle blew up. Blew up? Yeah, it blew up. What caliber sir? A .270. Two-seventy Winchester or .270 Weatherby? It says .270 on the barrel and the lady in the department store said it’s a Weatherby in .270. Did you buy any popcorn? No, why? No reason sir. How did it blow up? I fired it a couple of times and the third shot was real loud and the swingy thing on the bottom blew off and all the bullets fell out! What caliber was that again? Ahh…(short pause) it says .270 in a Weatherby. Sir, is it ‘.270 Weatherby Only’ on the barrel? Ahh…(longer pause) yep. Okay sir, what does it say on the ammo box? Let’s see… .270 Winchester, so? I’m sorry sir but those calibers do not interchange. You are very fortunate you didn’t blow off your head. (Very, very long pause) Really? Yes sir, and sir the factory will not guarantee your rifle. Do you know where I can get it fixed? And would you guys buy the shells I haven’t shot? No sir, but I must go now. My head hurts. *******************************************
Non-lethal force Hello, gunshop. I’m a small woman looking for some type of personal defense pistol. Yes ma’am. We have several different types. Anything in particular? Oh, something small and cheap. But to tell you the truth I’ve never owned a gun before and I’m kind of afraid of them. I’m looking for a magnum. A magnum ma’am? Yes, the magnum will work, right? Yes ma’am, but if you’re not comfortable with firearms maybe you should look into something else, like pepper spray. Pepper spray? Oh no,. that’s really mean stuff. I’ll just take one of the magnums.
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