(This page appears in chronological order)

[that means the newest stuff is at the bottom, Mike]

 This is new feature that I plan to add to as time and material allows. I know a bunch of different personalities and characters from my work, neighborhood, family, etc... It’s about time we started meeting and exploring some of the people that make up the fabric of the Donson Experience (which is the name of my new Band, another new feature coming soon). One of my absolute favorite people is the Infamous Mike Keller. In fact I like and enjoy Mike Keller so much he is getting his own space here where we shall get to know him through my eyes. (Sorry, Mike, but some things just HAVE to be done…)

 Since I work at a "large metropolitan Toyota dealership” and have been working at dealerships since 1990 I have come to know and interact with various “White Shirts.” I define “White Shirt” as that upper echelon, management types that inhabit the cubicles at the mystical, never seen, possibly mythical CORPORATE OFFICE. Most White Shirts are stiffer than the 42 coats of starch used on their ever-so-white corporate shirts. Not so with the World Renowned Mike Keller! Most White Shirts come in to the dealership point, grunt and wave a stack of incomprehensible computer printouts, open an expensive laptop (and for all they accomplish, might as well be playing TETRIS) and shout the dread Keywords sure to inspire terror: CSI, Service Absorption, YTD Trends and other Acronyms of Death. (Acronyms of Death are opening for my new band the Donson Experience Thursday at the Bacchanal, happy hour 5-7…) Then exhausted from grunting unintelligibly and waving stacks of paperwork, a large expensive lunch (paid for by the poor dumb SOB under the microscope) is now in order before stumbling back into their expensive corporate car and disappearing in a cloud of HC, NoX and CO (hydrocarbons, oxides of nitrogen, and carbon monoxide).

 Mike Keller is a true gentleman who only occasionally slips into the roll of White Shirt and only when truly warranted. Medium height (giggle), medium build, and all-a-round good guy is our Mike Keller. A truly vast knowledge of Warranty Policies and Procedures, he is graced with the rare ability to think for himself and not be blinded by the vast power he wields. A rather unassuming personality he gets right to the heart of the matter with simple statements like “Is my name on that anywhere?” or cutting, decisive, absolute statements like “hmmmm….” or "nnnn-yuh". My personal opinion is Mike Keller is just a secret identity to conceal his true identity: WARRANTY MAN!!!

 In his secret alter ego, Mike Keller has the super-human ability to blast through all the egotistical garbage spewed by his archenemy: WARRANTY CLERK. Warranty Clerk is a worthy adversary for Warranty Man. She tries all sorts of hi-jinks to get her claims signed and no dirty evil trick is beyond her in trying to get her claims paid… (“Have another Bon-Bon, Mr. Keller. Ooooo, have you been working out? My, but you look so big and strong …”). And yet, using his superhuman intelligence and powers of self-control and absolute command of the human language he dismisses poorly thought out and documented warranty claims with a forthright “I’m not paying for that.” Such verve!! Such eloquence!!! Oh, how I wish such pure language were within my own grasp.

 This just the first of what I hope to be many more installments in the ongoing saga of Mike Keller – WARRANTY MAN

 Current Score:

 Techs – 0

 Warranty Clerk – Neg 5

 Mike Keller – “Have the customer pay for the labor, I'll pay for the parts”

Updated 10/1206

Since I have asked Mike Keller repeatedly for a picture with no response, I have decided to use one of the many "candid" shots I have of him.

Here we see when a renegade Warranty Clerk has pushed him over the edge regarding not following the procedures he has spent the last 2 minutes formulating.... Yes, that is Mike Keller on the left....

Current Score:

 Techs – 3

 Warranty Clerk – Neg 22.735

 Mike Keller – “Warranty Watch is always a possibility...”

  Mike Keller and his posse caught on surveillance tape taking care of low CSI scores at a "Large suburban Dealership..."

Current Score:

 Techs – 3.14159265

 Warranty Clerk –  -273.15 °C

 Mike Keller – “Should be in your pocket Warranty Guide....”

Now we all know how Mike Keller came to use the term "turn up the heat" on his underlings. This picture obtained through circuitous routes shows a young Mike Keller honing those skills he would find useful later in life looking at people "under the microscope"....

Current Score:

 Techs – (x – h)2 + (y – k)2 = r2

 Warranty Clerk –  K = (°F + 459.67) / 1.8

 Mike Keller – “Is he sure he wants to start this?”

I will gladly give you your G numbers on Tuesday for a hamburger today.....!!!!

Current Score:

 Techs – 1 mole of H2O = 6.023 X 1023 molecules of H2O = 18 grams H2O

 Warranty Clerk – 

 Mike Keller – “We'll take your car, my top of the line free Avalon is getting a free oil change...."