Troy's Rants and Ravings

Yes, it’s that time of year again.

The time of year when the Oldest Boy and I start searching the highways and byways of cyber shops in an effort to evoke gasps of amazement from each other as we try to out outrageous each other in the annual gift giving season.

This year, James, my eldest boy who will be from here on out referred to as “The Boy”, struck first arterial blood ( as opposed to the far less dramatic “gift flesh wound” ) with a Marshmallow Bow and accompanying “Robin Hood Style” hat. I was getting quite perturbed as I awaited his latest attempt at securing the Crown of Gratuitous Gag Gifting. Certainly, points were taken away for it not arriving timely upon my birthday, yet still he scored high on the “Hey! Get a load of this!!” category. Also high marks were handed out for the quality of the aforementioned head gear.

Last year he did, in fact,  fairly and squarely run away with the Crown by gifting me a “12 in 1 Designer Kitchen Rock”. Said rock had absolutely no instructions as to it’s function or purpose and, other than to enrich the various delivery agents of the world. (What with the rock weighing in at about 12 kilos, and freight charges being what they are…) I had no idea what the hell the goddamned thing was good for!! While I may have been totally flummoxed and, quite honestly, baffled that I had been let down, my lovely and talented assistant finally found it on the internet and determined that is was in fact a designer rock with multiple uses beside being used as a door stop and toe stubbing device.

Then there was the infamous  ”Flying Fuck”. A helicopter toy with a huge foam block with the word FUCK carved quite artistically out of it.

Yes, he has had his moments…

But then again, I have had the pleasure of sending him: Trebuches, Marshmallow Rifles, Dancing Chickens, Angry Mobs ( and honestly, what says “love” more than an angry mob? ) a Leg Lamp, a genuine YES WE CAN opener, etc…

This year, though all the stops are, in fact, coming off and the most absolutely diabolically fun and useful Prize Package to ever cross our thrash holds are being assembled in various laboratories, factories and agribusiness centers around the world. Tareq Aziz himself absolutely refuses to be my spokesman saying he would not be able to “keep a lid on so dastardly wicked a prize.” Yes, as all you poor bastards know by now, when I have decided to go for broke I will, in fact, be broke at the enormous cost to my psyche that this, the GRAND POOBAH of all prizes to be given this year, is going to cost not only me but the entire world!!! It is so STUPENDOUS that it will in fact be delivered over two holidays, The Boy’s Birthday and Christmas.

Honestly, the gauntlet has been thrown and I will not back away from this, the ultimate contest of prizes.

Since the recent career cratering, it is all I have left…

Troy Ok, So I'm an Idiot...

Finally acknowledging that my “career” at the Phylis Diller Auto Group is at the apogee of it’s rather lumpy trajectory, Trick Dipstick is starting to just become flat out insulting.

The other day we were discussing all the upwardly mobile  career choices I did not have access to.

“So what about running the Business Development Center??” (The Business Development Center is just fancy pants “Way the fuck overpaid Automotive Consultant speak” for the call center where appointments are overbooked for some Service Writers, under-booked for other Writers and appointments set for the fortunate few that happen to be off that day… Truly, a veritable Land of Intellectual Giants!!!)

“No, Troy, Lyndsey Lowhen is really Smart and Computer Literate. She is doing a great job up there.”

“Is this the same one who shot off those e-mail blasts giving the store away because no one thought to read the proofs from the ad company?” (147 oil changes for under a dollar as part of our “Come In and See The Fools Who Choose to be Masochistic Slaves to The MAN” event. Tin Foil Hats for everyone!! Bring the Kids!! [they make good targets])

“Uh, yes, that’s the one… But she is  really Smart and Computer Literate.“

“Is this the same one one that Greg Sandersonford says is a computer genius?”

“Yeah”

“The same Greg Sandersonford who, when he comes calling, ends up bringing down the entire State of Arizona’s  phone network, computer network and social network? “

“Yeah.”

“The same Greg Sandersonford that moved a CPU from one room to a room less than 10 feet away and lost 5 years worth of your work?”

“Yeah.”

“The same Greg Sandersonford that has to call someone else to come out and tell him where the power button for his own damned laptop is?”

“Yeah. “

“The same Greg Sandersonford that built a Faraday Cage around his toaster and wears a tin foil hat everywhere he goes to keep THEM from listening to his private conversations ?”

“Yeah. “

“The same Greg Sandersonford that said “Oops, my bad!” when Apollo 13 blew?? “

“Yeah”

“The same Greg Sandersonford that the Geek Squad has standing Shoot to kill – Leave No Survivors orders for?”

“Yeah. But he’s really Smart and Computer Literate.“

As a severe nervous twitch developed in my right cheek/eye area, I gave up and said “OK, Dipstick, point taken. How about driving the service shuttle?”

“Uh, I believe we have that covered.”

“You mean those 450 year old cranky bastards that we have dumping people off are actually an asset??!! Jesus Herman Christ (Really? Well, what did you think the “H” in Jesus H Christ stood for?), Dipstick, have you ever been taken to a destination by those idiots? They are all ex-military jumpmasters… They scream “15 Seconds!! STAND BY!! GO! GO!! GO!!! GO!!!!” and kick the poor bastards out the door without even slowing down!! You remember that poor bastard whose house was down the embankment from the freeway that they dropped off 2 years ago?”

“Yeah I got a card from him the other day, said he would be out of the hospital in a week and the bandages should come off in another 2 months…”

“Did they ever fix the chain link fence and guardrail he went through and the 80 foot crater the poor bastard created when he landed?”

“No, the Army Corps of Engineers are still scratching their heads over that one…”

It was at this point I pretty much gave up on being anything other than the Alignment God while working for the Phyllis Diller Auto Group.

But I do have another option: tackle The New Guy as soon as he get back from the Tour De Marianas Trench (it’s an underwater bicycle race in the South Pacific). Maybe I can get him to sit still and stop listening to his old partner Marley clanking his chains long enough to listen to reason.

Then again probably not…

Troy Ok, So I'm an Idiot...

I love my wife.

I love my wife very much.

That being said, my wife is becoming a danger.

Not necessarily a danger to herself, mind you, but a very real danger to me.

It began, I guess when she started “asking” me to do things with a rather authoritative tone and the words “Stop Resisting” started being thrown in for good measure. My personal belief is that she is watching too many “cop shows”…

At first I found it rather amusing that the “shrimp” would be telling the “whale” what to do and getting away with it. Up to recently, it was amusing. Now though, I am not so sure…

Lately it has progressed to the point where is has begun to sound like this:

Shrimp: “The dog has left her entire last year’s coat of fur on the floor.”

Whale: “Mmm-hmm”

Shrimp: ” It looks like crap”

Whale: ” I thought it was hair…”

Shrimp: “Are you getting smart?”

Whale:  ” No, I am pretty much as stupid as when you asked me to marry you…”

Shrimp: “License, Registration and Proof of Insurance”

Whale: “What?”

Shrimp: “I SAID:  License, Registration and Proof of Insurance, Asshole”

Whale: “Uh, honey, are you feeling ok?”

Shrimp: “That’s it !! Get off the sofa!! Hands on the dining room table…”

Whale: “What’s this all about, Ma’am?”

Shrimp: “Shut up, and do what I tell you to.”

Whale: “I demand to speak with your mother!!!”

Shrimp: “Stop Resisting!!! JESSE!!! CASEY!!! Mom Needs Assistance, Code 3!!!! Get on the ground! Get on the ground!! Where’s my back-up? Get on the ground!!!

Whale: “But I didn’t do anything!! Let go of my kneecap!!!

Shrimp: “Stop resisting!!! If you bend over I will be able to reach something other than your kneecap! I tried to do it the easy way. You could’a just gotten the vacuum out and done the right thing. Instead you had to ignore my lawful order and this is what you get… “

Whale: “Can you at least loosen these damned furry hand cuffs, they’re cutting off the circulation…”

OK, so maybe it is not THAT bad… Or at least it wasn’t until a few nights ago.

I had cooked dinner. I had cleaned up after dinner. I had had a full day at work and decided at around 8pm that I was “toast”. I kissed my wife goodnight and toddled off to bed.

In accordance with the Geneva Convention Protocols, I sleep on the right side of the bed. I hold the remote for the TV in my left hand to make removal, after I have fallen asleep in front of The Military Channel, easier for my wife who will then watch any number of shows guaranteed to leech testosterone from anyone or anything within a 20 yard radius (depending on screen size and audio volume).

The night in question was not any different (I thought) from that of any other night. So I fell asleep watching how the Barrett rifles chambered for the powerful .50 BMG ammunition, originally developed for and used in M2 Browning machine guns were being used to make extraordinary shots of over a mile and a half.

The next thing I know, my left wrist is seized in a powerful grip and is being shaken up and down violently. I am awake in a flash – scared out of my wits thinking Cecily is having a massive asthma attack. I bolt upright in bed ready to carry her to the car for a lightning quick dash to the ER or maybe do combat with an armed intruder or even grab our grab box of important papers because the house is on fire…

Nope.

As I watch in amazement, she continues to use both her hands to shake my wrist up and down.

“Let go of the remote!!!”

[pause while that sinks in]

Since I have not complied yet she starts getting ready to begin smashing my hand into the headboard. “It always works in the movies and on TV. Somebody smashes a guy’s hand until he lets go of the knife or gun or -”

“TV remote control?”

“Yeah. You wouldn’t let go.”

“I was asleep.”

“So?”

“Did you try and take it out by pulling on it?”

“No”

“Did you try and pry off my fingers gently?”

“No”

“So you just decided to go for broke and violently remove it from my possession?”

“Yeah, well as soon as I lifted your wrist you should have dropped it…”

“Ahhhh!!! And then when I did not immediately comply…”

“I resorted to violence. You should have stopped resisting. As you should be able to see by now, resistance is futile as I now have the remote and now you have my permission to go back to sleep.”

At that point, folks, I couldn’t go back to sleep if I wanted to. Instead, I went out and started dusting and vacuuming, in the rather vain hope that her watching America’s Next Top Model or What Not to Wear or Project Runway or even Designing for the Sexes would mellow her out long enough that I might return to the marital bed.

Alas, it was not to be.

I have purchased a Taser.

Purely for my own defense you realize.

She may be little, but then again, so is a Piranha and I am not taking any chances!!

Troy Family