So once again I find myself on the back porch swilling good beer, smoking a cigar and chatting it up with God T. Creator. Seems like since He is at all corners of the universe all at once, I figured He had time for a good bribe that would net me some advice.
Reaching into the cooler full of ice and St. Sixtus Westvleteren 12 beer, I toss The Am That I Am another bottle as I take a pull on my Gurkha Black Beauty cigar. (Again, the idea is, if you are asking God for something, be prepared to offer something in return. Good beer and fine cigars seems to work alright for me.)
“So let Me get this straight, you are starting a new religion and you want some advice?”
“Well, Almighty, I sent my 6 bucks in to God-Bay, you know, the religious artifact auction house, and got myself ordained. So now I am a High Holy Priest with no religion that I can call my own. I am leaning pretty hard toward the whole “We are all children of the same Universe, can’t we all get along?” thing but I think am missing something and I can’t quite put my finger on it. That’s why I asked if you had some time to spare to maybe help me out. After all, Confucius told me to, as he put it, “Bugger off, Round Eye!!”, Buddha was contemplating the “universal aspects of belly button lint” and all the other deities are still afraid to come near me after the sound thrashing you gave Baal last time you two tangled. It’s not like you were my last choice or anything like that, it’s just that I didn’t want to bother you with such trivial stuff when you’ve got a universe to run…”
I figured that if I appealed to His sense of Ultimate Power, He would have pity on me. Mercy is not really in the cards, but pity? Yup, always a possibility.
“Well, first off, drop the whole Rodney King ‘Can’t we all get along’ thing. Ya see, I seem to remember that that was popular when I was wading through Sodom and Gomorrah destroying everything in sight. People all over the place, running around on fire, shrieking “Can’t we all get along?” And, well, to be perfectly honest, when I am that pissed off and I take the time and effort to set you on fire, there is probably a pretty damned good reason I don’t feel like “getting along” with you. So, anyway, I was not fond of it then and I absolutely hate it now.”
Ever sensitive to the fact that, really, I generally don’t like the idea of being sent off running down the street on fire, I changed tacks.
“Check, there, Big Guy. On the other hand I do have an “Anti-Troy” all picked out and –“
“A what?”
“Hmmm?” Yes!! Hooked!! Now to reel Him in…
“You said you have an “Anti-Troy”. I am going to regret this, but just what is an “Anti-Troy” ? And while glaring at me He flicked His thumb, just like a Zippo lighter, and, just like my favorite Zippo, a nice even flame appeared which he alternately looked at and then at me, flame, me , flame, etc.
“Here have a Gurkha, God. That will give you something to light up besides me… And, uh, yeah, I have the local equivalent to the Anti-Christ all lined up.”
Whilst, puffing his cigar to life, G. T. C. eyed me with a scowl.
“Go on,” he prompted.
“Well, I work with a complete asshole-“
“Several actually.”
“Good call, there, Holy Kahuna. Anyway, I am so sick of this guy, I felt that if he were ever loosed upon the world, life as we know it would cease to exist…”
“L. J. giving you grief again?”
“Nah, L. J.’s not bothering me, besides, with L.J. it’s not like he is truly evil, he’s just rather misguided by greed and misplaced religious fervor.”
“Check. Seen it before. Damned shame I just had to give all you Muldoons free will… So who is the jerk?”
“Well I know You may have heard of him, but been just too busy to deal with him Yourself…”
“Troy cut the crap, who is it?”
“Mr. Heybuddy Can-you-do-me-a-favor…”
“WHAT???!!!! JESUS CHRIST ALLMIGHTY !!! Is that stupid, dumb SOB still…”
And, once again, having caused God T. Creator to blow a gasket, He, once again, called forth His Only Begotten Son, That Lamb of God, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, The One, The Only, give Him a hand folks, Jesus H. Christ!!!
This time, seeing a need for a more mundane entrance, Jesus came sliding down out of the clouds astride an incredibly tall brass fireman’s pole. His robes were being employed to act as braking parachutes behind Him and yet he was still able to make the trademark squeaking noises typical of fire pole transportation. I made a mental note to ask later why in the world He bothered to even make those squeaking noises. Weird.
“Yeah, Dad?”
God started turning toward me with His Trademark Holy Anger. (BTW I was thinking of naming my new band Trademark Holy Anger, but I am really already pushing my luck…) Sensing a Smiting headed my way, I quickly moved to de-fuse the situation by asking what happened to Jesus’ hair.
“Oh, that…” Jesus actually looked somewhat embarrassed.
God, distracted from the Smiting he was preparing, glanced at His Son and then did a double take.
“Jesus Herman Christ, What in My Name have You done to Your hair???!!!”
“It’s called a Mullet, Dad.”
“I know damn well what it’s called !!! What were You thinking???”
“Well, Dad, uh, oh hell, you’ll find out eventually… Abraham, Moses and I were were practicing for the Deity X-Games and we made a wager over whose whale could do a better tail stand and 360 fakey…”
“Son, you have all my powers, how could you lose?”
“Well, Mom was gone doing some personal appearances and we got into the Sacramental wine cellar…”
Hating to see the brewing fight that was sure to follow, I stepped in quickly to try and break the tension.
“ ’scuse me, there, Jesus. I didn’t know Holy Mary, Mother of God was making personal appearances. Pardon me for sayin’ but it seems kinda funny to me that The Mommy of God would appear to open a mall or dedicate a new park…
“Oh, no, Troy, not that kind of personal appearance, She is scheduled to appear in a loaf of sourdough in Pokipsy, NY over the weekend and then in an apple tree stump down in Louisville next week.”
“Oh Dear Me In Heaven… What will I tell all the other Deities at the lodge? My Only Begotten Son, drunk on My wine, getting a mullet… How long?
“100 Years”
“Oh? Well, that’s not so bad… Anyway, back to you Troy. I know for a fact that even Trick Dipstick would never stoop so low as to purposely hire that cretin Heybuddy Can-you-do-me-a-favor-Don’t-worry-I’ll-take-care-of-you-I-promise…”
“Well, I don’t think Trick hired him and, for another thing, I think that you added a few syllables to his name.”
“Nah, his parents had to settle for a shorter name, they ran out of little boxes to put letters in on the application so they tried writing down the side of his birth certificate form but were denied. Guy’s a real piece of work isn’t he? Is that what this whole thing boils down to? You figure everyone who has known, does know, or will ever know him will come running to your religion because you have declared him the Anti-Troy?”
“Well, Creator of the sun and skies, ya got me dead to rights… I figure if everybody hates his guts and he is my polar opposite, well then it stands to reason-“
“Hey, Dad, I’m not much for all this religious crap, but I did hear a new joke: See, Odin, Zeus and Baal walk into a bar, and –“
“Hey, Jesus” I started, kinda torqued that he is ruining my sales pitch to His Dad,”don’t interrupt. It’s rude.”
“Well, you just interrupted me!!” said Jesus.
“Did not!!”
“Did so!!”
“Did not!!!”
“Dad, smite him, smite him, now!!! If You really love Me, You’ll smite him now…”
“Now, Son, why don’t You just settle down. Tell You what, if he does not give me a good reason for Me to give My blessing to his new religion, You can take him out and smite him any way you want.”
“Okay!!! Now We’re talking…”
Seeing that this was not going exactly the way I was hoping, I figured it’s either having to deal with Heybuddy for the rest of my miserable life or getting a relatively quick Smiting from -
“Oh, trust Me it won’t be quick!!”
Jesus, I realize that you have your Daddy’s powers to interrupt my narrative, but knock it off would Ya?
Anyway, I figured, at least if I could spread the word about Mr. Heybuddy Can-you-do-me-a-favor-Don’t-worry-I’ll-take-care-of-you-I-promise, it was worth the risk of a slow and extremely painful smiting-
“Hey, now THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about!!!”
- from that putz Hey-Zeus Christy!!
“DAD!!!!!”
Later That same day…
“So there you have it in a nutshell, GLA.”
“GLA???”
“Good Lord Almighty”
“Oh My Me, I should have known,” The Good Lord Almighty groaned as he sucked at the last of his Gurkha Black Beauty Swizzled in a snifter full of Janneau 25 Year Old Single Distillery Armagnac.
(Janneau 25 Year Old Single Distillery Armagnac @ approx. $160/500 ml. is an excellent choice for cigars because of it’s brilliant copper color and aromas of puttied and polished wood, melted toffee, sautéed peach, and peppery spice follow through on a rich entry to a dry-yet-fruity medium-full body with rich layers of caramelized whole nuts, brown spices, anise, and cigar wrapper. Finishes with a long, expressive fade. A must try Armagnac for quality cigars.)
“Troy, this Armagnac soaked cigar makes me think that opium is for the common working slobs. OK, that’s it then. You get ONE chance. Jesus, go home and clean up your mess before your mother comes home.”
“But, Dad, do I get to Smite him?” Jesus whined, motioning over his shoulder with his thumb.
“I have put his Smiting on hold for the moment, seems he has some rather original ideas on how to really bring out the worst kind of behavior from Mr. Heybuddy Can-you-do-me-a-favor-Don’t-worry-I’ll-take-care-of-you-I-promise. Like most dirty, stinking, worms, they don’t last too long in the sunlight or in this case the scrutiny of The New Guy. But, Troy…”
“Yes, Milord Gawd??”
(I gotta tell you at this point, you really have not lived or pushed your luck until you are standing there in front of the God-King of all Creation, and you are being a smartass and making him roll his eyes upward to Heaven and… well… Himself!! He is supposed to be everywhere at once so it makes sense in my perverted little world.)
Finishing his eye-roll of inhuman proportions, he continued. “Troy, you may not touch him.”
“But can I screw with his car?”
“No”
“How about his-“
“No”
“How-”
“No”
“H-“
“No”
“-
“No, and here is why: If you can out smart him, use his own idiocy against him, I will approve your Church and rescind your regularly scheduled smiting.”
“Well, thanks a lot , there, God!! I-“
“HOWEVER!!!! If you fail, Smitings for everyone!!! My entire retinue will have a chance to smite you in any way they wish…”
“Hey, that doesn’t seem fair at all, I mean-“
“I am a Just, Merciful and Loving God… Never said I was “fair”, asshole.”
And with that He bade farewell.
But, he did not get away before I had Riley T. Dog give him about 26lbs of dog hair by leaning against His robes as he walked over to the fire pole Jesus left. Ever the showoff, His sandals started smoldering, the voice from Mission Control counted down and God, on a pillar of fire, ascended to the heavens, leaving behind only cigar butts, empty beer bottles and the smells of burning dog hair.
As a parting shot, my head rang with the Glory of His Voice:
ASSHOLE!!!!! DOG HAIR??? I AM SOOOO GONNA ENJOY YOUR SMITING….
Troy Ok, So I'm an Idiot..., Work
