Troy's Rants and Ravings

I guess I am getting older or just so worn out to the point that seeing something that is truly well designed and executed or is just aesthetically pleasing to the eye is something I am starting to really appreciate more and more.

Take for instance my friend Mark Brodie.  While to some he certainly is ”well designed and executed” and may quite possibly be “aesthetically pleasing to the eye”, I will leave that to members of the fairer sex to render judgement on.

Mark is a SUPREMELY talented artist. He is also the pin striping wizard on call for the Phyllis Diller Auto Group.  He is  honest to a fault, fun and quite the hoot to talk to. I enjoy Thursdays only because I have a chance to watch him do his magic and chat him up.

You can take a look at his work on his websites here and here. Beautiful work, all done by hand. A true art form that I have not seen done so well in many years, a hand laid pinstripe is, in my opinion, just tits.  Mark is just such a wizard that when he loads his brush and starts, he will go from the back of a car all the way to the front of the car without ever lifting or having to reload his brush. His lines look like they were laid out by laser!! The paint is straight, uniform and just gorgeous.

Don’t think that he only does pin stripes!! Oh no!!! I watched in amazement as he copied a picture from a magazine onto a fender of a customer’s car that was so good it looked as if, somehow, the picture was rising out of the original paint. The colors were a perfect match!! Unless you saw this being done, step by step, you would be left scratching your head, wondering “How in the hell did they do that?”.

Really, he is that good.

OK.

Brown nosing over.

On to the fun stuff.

To set the stage for the following true story, I certainly believe that all really good technicians, carpenters, plumbers, etc have a devilish streak in them that makes the idea of a good practical joke not only outrageously fun and exciting but also necessary to maintaining good mental health and a general  sense of well being. This true story is a good case in point staring our aforementioned Mark Brodie as the unfortunate victim.

A technician I work with who we will only refer to by the pseudonym “Jason Gone-Postal” (to protect his reputation and continued good standing in the community) is a solid tech with a wealth of knowledge, years of experience, great work ethic and a huge fan of “Things That Go BOOM!!!“

(Btw, Things That Go BOOM!!! is the name of my new band…).

Mr. Gone -Postal has taken the art form of making loud explosions to the point where at anytime you may hear anything from a pop equal to that of a cheap Hispanic (sorry, gotta remain politically correct these days) firecracker to explosions equal to the sound pressure of 227 Hiroshima type bombs… These feats of sonic frivolity are accomplished by filling normally inert, innocent plastic bottles with compressed air until they explode. This is best done in secret so as to, literally, scare the crap out of anyone within the prescribed 5 mile radius.

One day Mark Brodie was pin striping a car inside the shop where it was only the temperature of the Sun’s corona instead of the Sun’s surface.  Mr. Gone-Postal had been perfecting the ultimate (up to now) plastic bottle bomb made up of an empty antifreeze bottle. Up to this point in time his largest experiments had been conducted on 2 liter soda bottles which created quite a stir in and among themselves. Mark had loaded his brush and was doing his normal outstandingly straight pin stripe when the blast occurred at Ground Zero (aka the tool box 20 feet away).

I never found out if it was the sound of the detonation or the resulting shock wave that caused the problem, although a picture taken from a United States Department Of Energy helicopter orbiting Surprise!!! Arizona was able to take this picture immediately after ignition:

 

The aforementioned “problem” (as in “Houston, we have a problem…”) was in fact that up to just about T MINUS 1 second an atypical Mark Brodie pin stripe was being applied to this car.

At about T PLUS 4.2938157 seconds Mark was once again able to focus his eyes amongst the blaring of car alarms, air raid sirens and Civil Defense Wardens shouting to “duck and cover”.  (yes, I realize I am dating myself…)

It was at this point he also saw that in the blast he had inadvertently created on the side of the car he was working on, what could best be described as an exact duplicate of the seismograph printout of when Mount Saint Helens blew it’s main gasket…

To say that it is indeed anyone’s guess why Mr. Gone-Postal did not achieve instant and irrevocable Automotive Practical Joke Martyrdom is a foregone conclusion. It took Mark quite a bit of time to recover enough to:

1. Avoid killing everyone indiscriminately

2. Stop shaking.

3. Avoid killing everyone indiscriminately

4. Buff off the offending paint strokes

5. Avoid killing everyone indiscriminately

6. Check his surroundings thoroughly and often

7. Avoid killing Mr. Gone-Postal slowly and everyone else relatively quickly and  indiscriminately

8. Re-stripe the car

Mark has since recovered and does not seem to be any the worse for the spectacular events that he happened to survive. Except for The Twitch.

As a note: Yes, there are times I do tend to exaggerate these little stories. But please be aware that the above really did happen. Be also aware that there was a continued look of slow and painful death emanating from Mark’s eyes. And honest-to-gawd that was a HUGE boom… So huge, in fact, that is is now specifically outlined in the employee handbook that “Coolant Jug Bombs are strictly prohibited and use of such will result in immediate termination…” Termination meaning fired. Or maybe meaning TERMINATED. You know – the other way.

I guess when the GM wets himself, that is enough cause to change the employee handbook, eh?

Work

So there I was at work, sitting on my great big fat ass, waiting for work,  re-reading a great Tom Clancy novel when my ears detected a sonic assault from what passes for modern management…

“Uh, Troy? Could you please stop ignoring me and at least act like you are appearing to try and listen to what I have to say?”

This from our illustrious paper bulldozing Service Mangler, Mr. Trick Dipstick.  (He has cleared level 43 of paper pushing, gained 173 experience points and been awarded the Pallet Jack Reward for moving his copious amounts of service reports directly from the printer to the dumpster… He is aiming for the Destroyed a Rain Forrest With Useless Service Reports Achievement Award once he passes level 50.)

“Troy it seems that you have 142.39 on-line tests to take to keep our dealership rolling in dough and single-handedly keeping the Phyllis Diller Auto Group afloat. Is there any reason why you have not caught up on these things?”

Slowly finishing the paragraph I was reading, I placed the index finger of my right hand in the book to hold my place. I then looked over the top of my glasses at Trick and said,

“Well, Trick, since I am on 100% commission and you refuse to cough up the money to actually pay me to take these tests that have nothing to do with my position as the Alignment God, I will do them when I get so bored that weaving my own armpit hair into a designer rug is no longer a priority.”

And with that I went back to Tom Clancy and his prophetic diatribe against the Democratic Party.

“Uh, Troy, taking these tests is a condition of your employment…”

And that is where I blew my last Franisstat (kinda like a Zener diode, but way different).

Let me now impart how I see a “Condition of Employment”.

Folks, I work on 100% commission.  That means if I sit around and do not work on a car that is being paid for by either The World Domination Motor Car Corporation or a customer, I make absolutely ZERO!!! There is no “floor” wage that I have as a guarantee, there is no minimum wage for guys like me.  We work and make money or we sit around and starve. Now I will agree and abide by the rules that say “keep your area clean and pick up after yourself and the other assholes that tend to throw things on the floor because they are lazy bastards who just don’t care about your area and could not hit a trash can if it was the size of a mountain….” and “Troy we would greatly appreciate it if you would not get grease in the customers cars.” (Although I am still debating that one because after all it was THEIR grease that came off THEIR car to start with and I am just sharing the wealth, so to speak…)

However when I hear the words “Troy, I need a favor…” it is time to hide. I have been known to leap up so fast and head for the White Tank Mountains (White Tank Mountain Regional Park offers approximately 25 miles of excellent shared-use trails, ranging in length from 0.9 mile to 7.9 miles, and difficulty from easy to strenuous. Overnight backpacking, with a permit, is allowed in established back country campsites. Day hikes can provide some breathtaking views of the mountains and panoramas of the Valley below. Horseback and mountain bike riders are welcome, although caution is stressed as some of the trails may be extremely difficult. In addition, there are 2.5 miles of pedestrian-only trails. These include two short trails that are hard-surfaced and barrier free. Waterfall Trail is barrier-free for 5/10 of a mile. The handicap accessible portion now ends about 1/10 of a mile past Petroglyph Plaza. The short loop of Black Rock Trail, which is about 1/2 mile long, begins at Ramada 4.  All trails are multi-use unless otherwise designated. All trail users are encouraged to practice proper trail etiquette.) that it will just leave a cloud of dust and brake shavings behind.

So, as you can see I have a a serious problem with:

A)  Authority Figures

B)  Service Department Weenies

C)  Service Department Weenies who wish to be Authority Figures

D)  Service Department Weenies who think they are Authority Figures

E) Technician “A”

F) Technician “B”

R) All of the above

W) None of the above

47) I did not know I needed several # 2 pencils

½) Just fail me, I did not study for this test

Please write your answer on a large roll of Barbed Tape Concertina (Single coil wire reinforced concertinas, 38″ in diameter are fabricated from 0.020″ thick ASTM A653 (GA) galvanized steel strip. Strip is clinched around a galvanized steel core wire. Each roll consists of 56 coil loops with pairs of coil loops alternately clipped together at five locations around the circumference. Each coil extends to 50′ when deployed at 21″ coil spacing…) and send it to me via the dealership.  Winner will be selected based on the size of the bribes sent to me before I die.

I guess being the oldest tech in the shop has become a bit of a burden. I remember labor rates hovering around $27 an hour. Back in the day, I would get 50% of the labor and ten percent of the parts for my wage. So if I did a brake job that paid 4 hours and had parts totaling $150 I would be paid $54 for the labor and $15 for the parts or $70 total for that job. Cost to the customer around $258

However, now labor rates are around $100 an hour. Same scenario now would cost the customer $400 for labor and $300 for parts and the tech doing all the work would get around $60 to do a more complicated job, having to spend more time on the vehicle, reset computers, buy more tools that cost a hell of a lot of $$$, etc…

So back in the day wage for a extensive brake job = $258 customer cost, $70 to tech.

Today = $700 to customer, $60 to tech.

Hmmmmmm……..

So it all comes down to: more work, less money. And on top of that they expect us to do testing on our own nickel so that the “Certification Standards” for the dealership stays on track. IE: sales gets more “incentives” when buying cars, Service Manglers qualify for trips to the moon, Service Writers get steak and lobster dinners for themselves and 143 of their closest friends and the techs, who are doing stuff FOR FREE get it right up the ‘ol poop shute… Oh, but once in a blue moon the manufacturer does allow us to choose a prize package consisting of a BRENTCO Veg-O-Matic or a even a ShamWow…

Add this to the fact that the “Lot Lizards” get PAID pretty good dough to screw around and not do anything constructive, the Lube Guys who _refuse_ to test drive cars no matter how many times they are told to (threats of slow death and dismemberment don’t even work anymore since THEY said I can not do the actual deed any longer), and shuttle drivers that believe that destruction derby training in the shuttle vans is a fringe benefit. As you can see I am frustrated.

However there IS a silver lining to all this ranting and raving:

I’ve got pictures of The New Guy!!!

Here we see the New Guy seated upon his Thrown. (Yes I know, just deal…)

Here is a candid shot of The New Guy in the Tour De Desert

Yes, folks no one is safe …..

You should see what I have in store for Scooter HugNutz. Muuhhaahahahahahahahah

Work

Personally,  I don’t think I am all that dumb.

Yes, I have my unique, uh, “Quirks” but I am certainly not dumb.

Obviously Corporate America tends to think I am. Otherwise somebody, somewhere would have already picked me up as a Service Manager. Over and over I see some stupid college educated muldoon who has absolutely no clue about the auto industry being promoted to run a company they could not figure out if their life depended on it.

Okay, cards on the table: I have had 5 separate interviews with a particular company about joining the Service Department in capacities ranging from Line Tech to Shop Foreman to Service Manager. This particular company has a history of not having a mission that will ensure it’s own survival. I really REALLY wanted the job I applied for.

<Begin Serious> I am in my 5th decade here on Mother Earth and I am tired of leading people around by their left foot’s  middle toe to TRY and get them to do the right thing.  You know, things like:

Keep the speed in the parking lot under 10 mph.

That is NOT YOUR CAR, do not treat it like it is. Be respectful of other people’s property.

Test drive every single car you work on. I don’t like having to be the one that says “I don’t know why the wheels fell off…”

DO NOT LIE TO CUSTOMERS!!! The customers deserve better, you can tell the truth and take the heat. It IS what you get paid to do.

Accept responsibility. If you broke it, own up, get it fixed and move on. It’s automotive, shit happens.

<End Serious>

Is there really anything in the above statements that are going to cripple anyone who is at least TRYING to do the right thing? Honestly,with the exception of BOOB RIPOFFSKI (well known international automotive ripoff and all around sonofabitch) these things should come easily to the people in our industry.  I can not for the life of me understand why, when I say these things to people, I get attitude or I am told I am “dissing” them.

Folks, when I started in this biz approx 30+ years ago, being “dissed” (disrespected) got you a punch in the mouth. If I EVER told a fellow tech to go jump in the lake after he told me to slow down in a customer’s car, I would be picking myself up off the ground with a split lip and a couple of loose teeth. If I then told the manger what happened he would knock those loose teeth all the way out. And THEN fire me.  The respect levels have just gone in the toilet. I feel that if I ever yelled at a lot attendant in today’s auto shop, he would be in therapy for years and sue me when he was diagnosed as having Post Traumatic Troy Yelled At Me Syndrome  by some quack who gets paid for inventing new excuses for why people can not behave like civilized human beings. And, by the way, popping someone in the chops for being a complete moron and not listening to me IS IN FACT civilized behavior.

Okay.

So.

As most people realize I have, in fact, worked in a variety of positions in my life and most all of my managers have respected my intelligence enough to grant me freedom to do my job with a minimum of supervision. That includes fixing cars and not questioning my methods, telling me that a house on such and such street needs the closet bends rerouted to allow for handicap access (when I worked as a plumbers laborer) or giving me the keys to a Nissan Dealer and saying “Don’t let the techs burn the place to the ground…”

Currently, I work in a large suburban dealership. I have made a segment of said dealership go from a “money flushing down the drain” fiasco to a money MAKING concern. And yet there is no room for advancement. There is no way for me to get out. I will never be considered for a management position. I will die there unless I leave.

Why? You may ask? Let me explain…

Look, tires are not cheap. Figure a cheap set of 4 is gonna run $400 and up. If the dealer does an alignment and they still burn up in 10,000 miles, the customer is pissed, the dealership is gonna eat the next set to make the customer happy, the customer is gonna get another crap job wheel alignment and the process starts all over again. The dealership suffers a loss in time, money, customer satisfaction and on top of all that there are really no consequences to the morons that can not do a thorough job.

So they give me the job of alignments while a massive recall is in the works. All of the affected vehicles require a wheel alignment as part of the recall. The dealership goes from a 5-6 wheel alignment capacity a day (with about a 7% “comeback” rate along with at least 2-3 SETS of tires per month) before I start to a capacity of 25 alignments a day with a less than 0.1% “comeback” rate and NO TIRE REPLACEMENTS due to alignment incompetence. Gee, you would think an accomplishment like that would get you more than an ” ‘atta boy. “

Sorry, Troy, but you don’t have a degree in Business.

Sorry, Troy, but you don’t have experience supervising 164 million people.

Sorry, Troy, but you don’t have a degree in Marketing

Sorry, Troy, but you don’t have enough of a submissive attitude towards the upper management incompetents who have no idea how a shop operates.

Sorry, Troy, but bean counters rule the world and it is better if you just stayed at the alignment rack because…well, just because.

So, after applying for jobs that I could do blindfolded (and these same people were scared out of their wits when I took over all the alignments because they thought I couldn’t do that, either) and not even getting the courtesy of a phone call saying “Thanks, but no thanks”, the gloves are off. What do I have to lose anymore.

If you people are too proud or too well educated to just ask people “What do you want?” when they come in for service, hey, don’t expect me to bail your ass out for free. You’re management, you’ll manage…

Work