Troy's Rants and Ravings

So there I was, sitting on my back porch, smoking a cigar, swilling good beer and chatting with God T. Creator.

God, you see, is everywhere and when He makes an appearance on my back porch, He seems to really enjoy swilling my beer. But, then again, since He brings the Cigars (Gurkha Black Beautys) I figure it’s only right that I provide the beer, ( St. Sixtus Westvleteren 12 –  It’s beer brewed by Cistercian Monks in Belgium… [Come ON!! What else you gonna serve God? Coors Lite????] )

Seeing as we all know the world as we know it will be ending, December 21st, 2012, God likes to come over to reminisce about things. It’s kinda cool just shooting the shit with Him. After all, when you have a chance to find out all the truths about, well, everything, why not?

So there we were yesterday afternoon. Riley was trying to shed all over The Creator and I (besides being happy the dog had someone else to shed on) was  again asking why His Children had split off into so many different directions. You know the whole Judeao-Christian-Muslim factional rift. He gave me a level stare and started to lose control of His inner dimmer switch (again) and realizing He was burning my eyes out and giving me another 3rd degree sun burn, He composed Himself and dimmed His Holy Presence down to just Brilliant.

“Again??!! Jesus Christ Almighty, Troy!!  How many times do I have to expl-”

And once again proving that I am such a dumb drunk bastard as to provoke God, Heavenly Trumpets sounded, an Angelic chourus started singing, the clouds parted and running with His white robes fluttering behind Him, Birkenstocks slapping the clouds, Jesus Christ Almighty came to a skidding halt on my porch.

Panting, He said-eth unto The Lord “Yeah, Dad???”

Slowly closing His open mouth and even more slowly turning toward me, God said “Troy, why must you insist on trying my patience? What is this,  3 times in the last 6 months you have had me blow my main gasket just because you can?” Turning toward His Only Begotten Son, God T. Creator said “Never mind, Son. I’m sorry I bothered you …”

To which Jesus Christ Almighty replied “You know Dad he does it just to bug You. You want, maybe I should take care of him?” all the while cracking His knuckles and staring at me.

“No, that’s all right, I have my own plans for him. You can just run along now.”

And so, no longer needed upon this Earth, Jesus put His Apple God-Pod headphones back on and with the lyrical sounds of  - what else – Stairway to Heaven as sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir ringing in the air, Jesus made His way back Home… Jesus accending to heaven playing air-guitar, now THAT’S not something you see everyday.

“Kids.” God said, shaking His head.

“I gotta tell ya, there, Oh King Of All  The Universe, I kinda figured Him for Areatha Frankin-style Gospels and what not and so forth…”

“Why don’t you just shut up and hand me another beer?”

“Are you sure? I mean, I know your not driving or anything, but do you have a designated Deity?” I asked, smirking and offering Him another cold and frosty.

Glaring, God replied “I knew that 5 second rule was a mistake.”

“Hmmm? What’s that?”

“The 5 second rule. You know drop something on the floor and if you pick it up within 5 seconds it’s probably okay?” God said preceding a beer belch that wiped out 3 islands in lower Sumatra.

“5 Second rule, gotcha.”

God just stared at me.

“Okay, 5 second rule. What about it?”

More staring.

“So, what? You are trying to tell me You have actually invoked the 5 Second rule? As in, uh, let’s see, like the platypus: mammal, lays eggs, venomous-”

“I was feeling a bit out of sorts and spilled. What can I say? I was mixing up a batch of mammals and there was  some other junk on the floor from my many other creative processes and…”

“Hunh… Well that explains a lot.”

“Yeah,” He muttered under His breath. “it sure does… Take a look in the mirror.”

And with a great retort (that, trust me, I would have severely regretted) about to be uttered, I was interrupted by the sound of a Ram’s Horn bellowing out louder than an AC/DC Concert. I had just uncrossed my eyes  when, again, I was assaulted by another deafening blast.

“Hold that thought, Troy, I’ve got to take this.”

And with that, God reached into His volumous robes and hauled out a miniture Ark of the Covenant, flipped it open one-handed and held it up to His ear.

“Gabriel, 2 things . One, I told you not call me here and Two, if you don’t stop blowing that thing so hard I am going to take it away from you and beat you with it!! Now, what do you want?”

God listened and then started smoldering, small tendrils of smoke rising and curling over his head.

“Fine, I’ll  be there in a minute and- No, just tell them they’ll have to wait. NO!! Fine!! I’ll be right there.”

And with that God stood up and made to leave, clinching His cigar firmly in His teeth and slipping 2 more beers in His pockets.

Upon seeing my raised eyebrows, He said “For the road. Always- eh, uh… Well, most times, a pleasure talking with you Troy, but that senile old bastard Pete has lost his keys again…”

“Pete?”

“Yeah, I gotta get a younger Saint up there at the Pearly Gates. ‘Ol Pete is getting on in years, don’t cha know. Gettin’ so he would lose his head if it wasn’t attached.  He’s even running around calling Jesus ‘Sonny Boy’. I gotta go and straighten things out before I get an angry mob scene up there. Anyway, so long and don’t drink all the beer!!”

A clap of thunder, a flash of light and He was gone.

Along with the rest of the cigars…

The Princess stuck her head out and asked “So, what’s new with God?”

“Same ‘ol, same ‘ol.”

“He answer your question on why His Children-”

“Oh, hell, I am just about to give up asking.  Who knows why kids do the things they do… What makes you think His would be any different?”

Ya just had to be there...

So I had myself another “ADVENTURE” yesterday afternoon… The Princess insisted that she take the entire day off so she could drive me to the Dr’s. office for my first post op check up. Let me repeat that : THE ENTIRE DAY OFF!!

Somehow, I have a feeling she does not trust me. I mean, I realize I am an idiot (unlike my oldest son who never fails to rise to the proverbial top of his own hit parade [2500 weeks at #1 and still climbing!!!!] ) and I just try to make the best of it.

I often say things like ” Honey I am going to Harbor Freight for some glue brushes…”

“How much are they?”

“10 bucks a gross.”

” Do you need them now?”

“No, Dear, of course, once again your incisive decision-making skills have caught me with my pants down [mmmmmmm]!!! On second thought, I’ll just use your toothbrush…”

And then, as usual, I hear a whistling noise followed by a rapid loss of conscienceness…  And on rare occasions, I hear, as from a great distance, her sweet voice whispering “Oooooo!!! THAT’S gonna leave a mark…”

Maybe that is why she likes calling me “lumpy”.

Sometimes as I fall asleep in the bedroom with The Military Channel explaining the effectiveness of the Mk-84 as carried by the A-4 Skyhawk: “The MK-84 is a free-fall, non-guided GP 2000-pound bomb…” I imagine her leaning against the door looking at my sorry ass and talking to her best friend Ellen “No, I have no idea why I love him and put up with him. I guess it’s the same thing with puppies and kittens: They are adorable until they grow up. I just wonder when and IF this one will ever grow up.”

Anyway, so off the Princess bundles me to the Dr.’s office like it is a journey to the far side of the moon. She actually has a clipboard with an attached checklist of stuff to be checked.

“Glasses?”

Check

“Wallet?”

Check

“Medical forms?”

Huh?

“The Medical Forms for your insurance, US Labor Board Family Leave Act, Disability Insurance, Socially Secure forms etc etc etc??? You know, the ones that Kim Loafman handed you 7 sets of begging and pleading with you not to lose them, figuring EVEN YOU could not lose seven sets…”

“What do they look like???”

The Fire Department is remarkably efficient around here… They used to think we had illegal fireworks that we liked to set off at all hours, but now they realise that it’s just The Princess blowing her main, secondary and emergency back-up gaskets. I guess from a distance it is a rather spectacular sight…

Anyway, after the Fire Department finished putting out the hot spots and thanked the US Forrest Service for loaning the use of it’s entire fleet of Aerial Tankers (again), we set off for my appointment. Because she drove we arrived more or less in one piece with all the appendages God gave us still attached. I must say, this was mostly due to her lightening quick reflexes as we traversed Sun City, which even the US Air Force refuses to fly over, considering it a suicide mission. I checked in with the receptionist who took one look at me and handed all the required forms to The Princess and handed me a coloring book with a box of crayons.

After a short wait, the Dr. called me in and started his inspection of his handiwork. After all the standard questions (Fever? Pain? All the stuff that should be inside still inside? How are you planning to pay me? Did your mother have any children that lived? How are Fred and Lou doing? I haven’t seen them since they bought that island in the Carribean…) out of the way, he proceeded to berate me for putting the repairs off for off so long.

He then decided to tell me how much skin he had to excise to give me back a belly button. “Uh, doc, what is with the scalpel and round nose scissors?”

“Well there is a lot of dead ‘stuff’ here and I need to get rid of it”

“Hey, uh, doc? The operation was around my belly button. Why are you sawing at my neck?”

“As I said, just getting rid of the dead tissue…”

“As much as I realise I may be brain dead, I would really like to keep my head and neck somewhat attached to my shoulders. Personally, I think it makes the corpse look better…”

He looked rather disappointed as he turned he attention back to the hernia incision and started pulling, yanking and otherwise man handling the dead skin that had it’s circulation cut off from the surgery. I was okay with that right up to the point where he said something I really never ever want to hear from a pretty well respected surgeon who actually interned at Yale Medical School: “Sorry, but these scissors are not the sharpest things in the world…” (I swear to God he actually said that!!!!) as he sang softly to himself “Snip snip here. Snip snip there and a couple of tra la las!! That’s how we cut the skin away in the wonderful land of OZ!!!”

He finished his handiwork and then proceeded to apply a gauze dressing with enough tape to completely encase a Nimitz-class nuclear aircraft carrier!!! He then wrote a prescription for antibiotics and told me change the dressing 3 times a day because “you are leaking and will be doing so for a couple weeks. Sometimes I put in drains to help with this. But in your case I figured why bother? Meh. Drink lots of water and you should be ok…” Turning to The Princess he handed her a prescription and said “Your vet can fill this for you when you take him in for his rabies booster, heart worm and distemper shots…”

So off we went with The Princess driving like she was “Snake” Plissken, leaving golf carts overturned and burning in her wake. She looks really good with her eyepatch, although it does bode ill for the pedestrians in the crosswalk when she happens to make right turns and she has recieved mucho kudos for making a drive-through at the local Walmart…

Anyway, I have been released to go back into “The World” in 3 1/2 weeks… Time enough to finish the first level in Half Life 2, I hope….

Ya just had to be there...

I hate to fly in “Jumbo Jets”. I would rather fly something myself, like, say, a Mig-17… At least then if I flew into a mountain or my luggage got lost it would my owned damned fault…

Vincent Payne is She Who Must Be Obeyed’s older brother and like HIS older brother, Colin, has an excellent sense of humor. So in the whole spirit of laughing in the face of death, I present these fine stories direct from my e-mail box:

***

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here; find a seat and get in it! ”

2. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
3. On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

5. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your f avorite.”

10. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the doo r while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smok e has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways”

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if yo u wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.”

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.”

Revenge and other fun stuff, Ya just had to be there...