Troy's Rants and Ravings

My wife, ( who I love very much, it should be known…) has decided to use one of my own greatest weapons against me. Now and in the past I have used my mouth to amuse and astound her with it’s ability to make sounds and noises that are like the old Hallmark Greeting Card Assortment pack. Whereas Hallmark prided itself on a card for every occasion, I pride myself on a sound or, as I like to call it, an ‘oral genuflection’ for every occasion.

And so now she has decided to use her sweet sultry voice to just scare the living crap out of me, and do incredible feats of physical damage…. And I don’t like it!!! Not one little bit…

You see, once upon a time, there was a very handsome Prince (that would be me, you see) who was driving with his almost as equally lovely princess across northern Arizona toward Kingman. It was a beautiful morning, almost as beautifull as the Prince in fact. We had just left the the 23rd pit stop so the princess could powder her nose ( she buys powder in the LARGE economy barrel ) and we were buzzing along at about 75mph in the middle of nowhere when we passed a sign that read “watch for animals”.

The pricess looked adoringly at her Prince and said, “I wonder what kind of animals…” Shrugging arrogantly and giving the the “Mouth Noise of Who Gives a Rat’s Ass Anyway”, the Prince drove onward.

About 15 minutes later the highway rose slightly blocking the view of the road ahead. As the we crested the hill a very large brown object was noted on the road ahead. The Prince took his foot off the gas and started to brake when the princess decided a warning was in order:

“ANIMAL!!!!!!”

Family, Ok, So I'm an Idiot..., Ya just had to be there...

After reading my son James’ blog of embarrassing moments I have to admit I am guilty of a few myself…

I guess the one that comes to mind quickest is the mandatory drug test before getting a job somewhere in the mists of the ancient past…

I was younger and wilder I guess in those long ago days. let’s see… Yes it was approximately 25 years or so ago. I was applying for a job at some shop or another and a mandatory drug test was part of the hiring process. I was to take a sheaf of paperwork with me to an apparently new type of medical center. It was called “urgent care”… ( I told you I was old…).

Anyway I gave the nurse all the paperwork and was told to take a seat.

Later that same day….

After reading old copies of Field and Stream and surreptitiously staring at the models in the lingerie section of a newer cosmo mag. I got up to try and find something to drink. The only thing I could find was a vending machine full of fruit drinks. I purchased a Motts apple juice and had a few sips and then pretty much forgot about it…

Another hour or so went by and I was quite antsy. Finally I was called to the little window and given a cup to fill. To be honest I was quite perturbed by now and an evil plan came to mind… Replacing the magazine I was reading back on the table I glanced back and YES!, the coast was clear.

Entering the bathroom I took the bottle of juice out and filled the little cup and proceeded back to the window. the nurse looked at the contents critically and pronounced:

“Mr. Donson, your urine looks quite cloudy!” in an old school teacher type of disdain.

“Really??”, I said taking the cup in my hand and peering through it. “Well let’s run it through again!” I said as I popped the lid and tossed it back and swished it around in my mouth with the accompaning apropriate noises.

Now really, I _WAS_ expecting a reaction, but not that of a nurse screaming that a patient has drank his own urine at the top of her lungs while clutching her chest as if in the middle of a huge coronary event. I half expected Paramedics to be summoned for the old battleaxe…

To make a long story dull, I got an attempted ass chewing by the doctor, ( I ripped him for making me wait 4 hours for a damned pee test!! “I mean, shit, doc! The stuff would be outa my system by the time you clowns ever got the damned sample!!! ) and I failed to secure the job… oh well!

It was one of my better moments. And it kinda proves that whole genetic thing seeing as how all my sons are doing their best to follow in my genetic steps…

Just ask their mom…

Ok, So I'm an Idiot..., Ya just had to be there...

I was reading my oldest son’s blog this morning and started to come unglued about what he considers a “SoCal lifestyle”. He stated he wears “shorts and sunglasses” almost everywhere…

Folks I gotta tell ya, this whole thing with shorts that are not really shorts, cowboy hats at award ceremonies, sunglasses indoors and worst of all CAPRI PANTS (!!!!) is driving me completely around the bend.

This whole “style” thing has gotten me in such a tizzy that I am having to consider my backyard bomb shelter as my one and only refuge. I am just about ready to crawl in there with my bottle of Valium and some rot gut wiskey and wait for the “fashion world” to come to it’s senses…

Let me take one item at a time before I blow my MAIN GASKET!!!

Shorts are called shorts for a reason. Period. End quotation. What ever the hell it is that people ( including my evidently misguided progeny ) are calling shorts now are not shorts. Either they are shorts for people who may come in at 8’3″ or long pants for the sub five foot set. Stop calling the damned things “shorts” and make up a new name! Call ‘em “Shants” and be done with it. And what gets my nipples in an uproar is that they cost more than regular pants!! (gawd damnit!!!)

What in the Good Lord Almighty God’s name has gotten into the urban cowboy gentry and these other hat wearing cretins?? As a man who has actually been on the business end of a working horse, worn a “cowboy” hat to keep the sweat and sun out of my eyes, and knows what the phrase “a tip of the hat” actually means, I take great offense to “cowboys” and others whose manners suck so bad they think that wearing a hat indoors is in the height of fashion. All current branches of this country’s military instruct and demand that all persons “Uncover when entering a room in which a senior individual is present or is expected.” Gee, that is pretty simple and straight-forward. And since just about everybody is senior to alot of these 10 gallon fat heads that think whining and/or shouting obscenities into a microphone is music, take your damned effing hat off!!!
Women. Trust me, if you have to wear to wear those big damned Hobo Kelly designer sunglasses indoors, you are either incredibly stupid or incredibly ugly or, more likely, both!!! They call them SUNglasses!!! Get a clue…

While I am digging myself a hole I will never get out of, let me go ahead and pull the dirt in after myself.

There are 3 and ONLY 3 women that have ever lived on the face of the earth that ever looked good in “Capri” pants.

1. Audrey Hepburn

2. Jackie Kennedy

3. Laura Petrie

End of list.

Look around at the incredible array of asses (literally) that try and pull it off unsuccessfully. I rest my case.
If I have not managed to somehow insult every one of my friends and relatives (currently living or not) send me an e-mail and I will figure out what kind of fashion faus pax YOU are guilty of!!!

BTW I am exempt from fashion because 1) I just don’t give a diddly damn and 2) “Fashion” is another name for the Anti-Christ!!!*

* how cool is this? I have pissed off a bunch of friends, relatives, men, women, religions and races all in one fell swoop!! What an asshole!! Now taking donations for my own funeral. I figure it should be anytime now – if they happen to find anything left of the body….

Gawd, I hate people!!!