Troy's Rants and Ravings

Why is it people insist on pissing in my Post Toasties?

How can people be so stupid as to ignore me when I say “Don’t make me angry!!”?

Recently things have happened here at the Kasbah Oof Donson that really have gotten my nipples in an uproar. This is a situation that will not be tolerated. I have decided that enough is indeed enough. The doorway to the Abyss has been opened and I shall shortly be taking steps that shall lead a good many people into wishing they could jump.

Take the case of one Service Department Cretin who made the mistake of not shutting his mouth and taking his richly deserved medicine. Crying on the Service Drive does tend to make one’s self look to be a bit lower on the ladder of humanity than one may have once thought. When someone is as mean as I can be, when someone out-weighs you by a good 110 lbs ( or 50 kilos for you metric bastards ), when someone is charging in at full steam with the sight of your eminent death reflected in his eyes, maybe instead of sneering and curling your lip up into a snarl, maybe you should stand there, take your verbal reprimand (for coming within .005 inch of crashing into me) and move on. Did you really expect me to say “I’m sorry, how dare I get in your way while you were driving a brand new Camry 60 mph through the parking lot…” ???? So you decide to pop an attitude with me??!!!! You had better hope I only hurt you quickly rather than permanently… Thank your lucky stars it only cost you some tears and humiliation and not a pound of your scrawny flesh, a few broken bones and 16 reconstructive surgeries….

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BTW Death By Lot Attendant was going to be my new band, but all the other members died under mysterious circumstances and their debut at The Bacchanal has been canceled pending the coroner’s inquest… Not to worry, Heaven’s Fence ( the new Heaven’s Gate Death Cult Tribute Band ) will be extending their run…

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The Second Commandment in my Dictatorship is “Don’t Screw with the Dictator”. A very well thought out and reasonable demand.

The First Commandment in my Dictatorship is “Do Not, Under ANY Circumstance, a) cause the Princess or b) cause the children of the Princess or the children of the Dictator (collectively known as the Royal Offspring) harm”. This is also well thought out and ferociously enforced.

Recently the First Commandment was not only broken, but was broken, stomped on and then steam rollered into dust by persons who, for now, shall remain nameless but will soon wish they had thought more clearly before deciding to dare to have the audacity to try and use my wife as a stepping stone for their own supposed “greatness”. Clearly, and I mean in the plainest and most clear language I have ever used in my entire previous 47 years, I warned this (these) individuals that I would not tolerate ANY harm coming to the Princess, whether physical or mental. The consequence of this type of behavior was, at that time, clearly outlined. And, while I have never actually torn someone’s head off and actually shat down their neck, I believe that, as a metaphor, this action has become not only an option but completely justified under the terms and conditions of the above mentioned 1st Commandment.

Seeing as I have secured the Approval of the United Nations Security Council (with only Russia abstaining [they said the ideas, as presented to them, violated their own sense of decency and human rights and also violates the wording as well as the spirit of the Geneva Conventions... And besides that, the complete description made 4 members of their delegation physically ill from the graphic presentation of the suggested pattern of punishment]) the first phase of Operation Princess Justice has been set in motion.

Under the umbrella of Operation Princess Justice, NATO forces have been put on full alert, all leaves have been canceled, the Iraq military manuevers have been terminated, Iran has surrendered it’s nuclear program, North Korea has laid down it’s arms and is allowing unrestricted access to it’s nuclear program, Illegal Imigration has completely stopped, and the CNN is reporting that Congress has approved the institution of Marshall Law before disbanding and ( like the cowards they are ) fighting for positions in the nuclear bunkers outside Washington. In other news, Dick Cheney shot and killed his entire staff in a bizzare hunting accident.

Folks, it’s SHOWTIME!!!!

Time to sit down, shut up and watch the show.

This one will make the Tom Foolery incident look about as exciting as a tempest in a teapot….

Keep watching the AZ Republic and Channel 3 News ( and of course, here ) for all the gory details.

This will be my Legacy!!!!

Family, Gawd, I hate people!!!

Well, now that The Princess and I are somewhat well settled into the somewhat wonderful little town of SUPRISE!!!!! we have become somewhat jaded by the somewhat nicer neighbors and the somewhat stupid cop accros the street…

The Princess being out of work for what seems like an eternity has produced a, uh, (to put it mildly and/or in some kind of babble fit for the technically inclined) reduction in the amount of junk food meeting the criteria of stratospheric caloric content and abysmal nutritional value suitable for Troy’s consumption. This coupled with the fact that I currently have court orders/child support obligations, a series of decidedly unholy utility ruffians who, for reasons unknown, demand payment on a fairly regular schedule and, worst of all, a credit card bill for 1) ACME MP3 Player, Gigantic, bigger that anyone who ever existed has a right to own…

So it has come down to the point where we either must bid adieu (“Adieu!! Adieu, to you and you and you!!”) to the many possesions we ( ok, she ) accumulated or bid adieu ( Auf Wiedersehen, so long, goodbye…) to the recently aquired Casbah Oof Donson. Since I left San Diego travelling fairly light, it seems that The Princess’ offspring as well as my #1 daughter have more “stuff” here than I do. If The Princess does not find gainful employment soon, the only options are ( in order ) Garage Sale, Garage Sale of the “items not legally ours”, Garage Sale (literally selling THE GARAGE!!!! Sawzall not included…) or, as a last resort, sell the joint and moving to The Roswell (always a good place to crash) Apartments at 1947 NM Ave….

I did enjoy it here, especially when I had to face down the dumb cop across the street. Seems said stupid cop likes everyone to enjoy his music… Said stupid cop did not particularlly enjoy Nice Smart Female Cop beating on his door during his little Super Bowl Party telling him things like “You know better…” and my favorite 3 words, (ok maybe 2nd favorite… email me for 1st fav) Internal Affairs Complaint. This came after stupid cop wanted everyone to enjoy his music from his 328,000 watt ghetto blaster installed in his POS Camaro. It is a POS just because things fall off while driving due to Sonic Assault Suicide… (And YES!!! Sonic Assault Suicide is the name of my new band!) Seems stupid cop did not enjoy big fat neighbor with big fat .45 Ruger strapped to hip telling stupid cop “Hey, you wanna turn that sh_t down or would you like me to??” 3 weeks before Super Bowl… Big fat neighbor was trying to enjoy The Barnyard DVD ( It was right when the big fat “hip-hop rat” was singing “Mr. Boombastic” – one of the greatest musical numbers ever to reach the big screen… ) It was rather funny, in hindsight, to see big fat neighbor trundle across the street in sweat shorts, wife beater, blue water socks and a .45 in a Safariland speed rig holster to confront idiot cop.

Dumb cop has decided big fat neighbor is best not to be f_cked with. Fatty works hard. Fatty likes piece* and quiet. There may be 2 pigs on this block, but I be Boss Hog…

BTW I saw an article in London’s Sun newspaper ( as reported by Steve Harvey in the LA Times) reporting that police in the Thames Valley area of England have “set their car on-board computers to shout, ‘D’oh!’ like Homer Simpson when they spot uninsured drivers.”

“The automatic number-plate readers also say, ‘Here’s Johnny!’ — Jack Nicholson’s saying from the film ‘The Shining’ — when they find a stolen car.

“And if a car is linked to a crime, it plays Dan Aykroyd (LAPD cop Joe Friday in ‘Dragnet’) saying: ‘People like this are a menace to decent society.’ ” The cops said the automated movie referencing “helps their reactions.”

Something’s missing, though. Seems like they should have a special setting for suspected bank robbers: “Show me the money!” from “Jerry Maguire.”

Now why couldn’t I have a cop like that accross the steet….

*For Gawd’s sake use your imagination…

Gawd, I hate people!!!

So here I sit, yet again, on the verge of exploding in outrage over rampaging stupidity…

So, The Princess has been out of work for a month.

So, she gets a job at that really cool French outfit:

Tar-`get

She is going to be reporting to work at 4am and do the “stocking the shelves” thing.

Ok so far…

She gets there, no one shows her where anything is, the boxes of merchandise are “mixed” ( meaning there is 14 cans of split pea soup, 2 bags of top ramen noodles, 4 rolls of life savers, 5 packages of Ban Roll-On Deodorant, 8 paperback books, a set of Bar-B-Q tools and 1 quart of 30wt oil…), 90% of the folks that “know what they are doing” are not rotating the stock, there is absolutely no organization, and no one is using shopping carts to haul stuff around – they carry it one item at a time!!!!

For all this, the “people” working there are making $9 an hour. Not enough to retire on, but not min wage either. Oh and the shift was supposed to be 4 hours, not the 9 hours that was requested… Some of these people are there for 14-16 hours a DAY(!!) because of this rampant disorginization. ( Let’s see, 9X8 = 72 + 108 for the overtime = $180 X 30 people = $5400 per day per store X say 250 stores = $1,350,000 absolutely wasted PER DAY!!!!!!!! )

So The Princess quit after one day. Seeing that she is a very organized female-type, disorganization at home can result in my own death. ( Since everything sooner or later relates back to the original Star Trek show… Sooner or later she gets pissed off and says things like the character NOMAD did: “Creator, this unit is defective! I need to STERILIZE!!! STERILIZE!!! STERILIZE!!! ) Needless to say, I would like to avoid this, so I cooperate fully. I endured the requisite 31:21 minute phone call detailing the entire company’s faults and short comings after her shift was over. I told her that it was OK that she quit, I told her something would come up, I told her I would gleefully accept my punishment for allowing her to work there… ( STERILIZE!!! STERILIZE!!! STERILIZE!!! ) Within an hour she had an appointment to talk about a warranty clerk position in Scottsdale…making around the same she did at the OTHER PLACE… which came as an immense relief to me ( NO STERILIZE!!! NO STERILIZE!!! NO STERILIZE!!! )

So you may ask why am I pissed?

I work. I work hard. I am VERY good at what I do. I am very proud of the work I do. Toyota has made it very clear THEY are happy with my work and my work ethic. So why is it that a GIGANTIC outfit can have so much stupidity running around unleashed??

I am not college educated….

I really do not have anything against college education. I am so proud of my oldest son being an (almost) engineer I could burst. I am also so very proud that my other kids are still learning and living life and trying to avoid being educated idiots, that I am beside myself.

So why in God’s name is everyone so hot and bothered to get every last child into college? Why do companies think a BA makes someone “worthy” to work for them? English Lit majors make horrible mechanics. Having an MBA does not guarantee you a job as a brick layer. That Doctorate in Social Anthropology won’t do a damn thing helping you “walk the tire” inside that sewer…

Lets face it: There is a screaming need for good Accountants, Engineers, Doctors ( medical and dental ) but Jesus God do we need Phds in Movie editing? Art appreciation? Music Theory? Psychiatry? ( Here, have some anti-depressants, I signed you up to chat in a group with some other suicidal Britney Spears-types, and here’s my bill…..) Or, let’s not forget that den of death and destruction: Political Science…. ( and they say military intelligence is an oxymoron!!!!! )

Hey folks, NEWS FLASH college will not teach you common sense. Nor will it teach you morality, how to balance a check book, check your oil, unclog a drain or prevent you from blowing your house up with too many insecticide bombs.

And like every good argument this one has a moral…. don’t expect a huge multi-national company to have enough low level managers with enough college education inspired common sense to know how to really WORK like a blue collar guy has to just to get by…

But they did have a guy who (honest to God) did say that his Doctor told him not to do anything strenuous, but do walk around alot. So of course he works there. Carries one can at a time to a shelf… Gets paid to walk around. Hunh, imagine that!!!

Guess that explains the cost of roast beef hash that used to be called ALPO is now $2.59 a can…

Hey Princess! How ’bout getting off your pretty little college educated ass and getting me a beer??

Later that same day…

“…and in the bizzare murder we told you about earlier, neighbors swear they heard a woman shouting ‘sterilize’ repeatedly followed by a tortured man’s screaming and then silence. We will have more on this story……..”

Gawd, I hate people!!!, Work