“That’s a condition of your employment, Troy”
So there I was at work, sitting on my great big fat ass, waiting for work, re-reading a great Tom Clancy novel when my ears detected a sonic assault from what passes for modern management…
“Uh, Troy? Could you please stop ignoring me and at least act like you are appearing to try and listen to what I have to say?”
This from our illustrious paper bulldozing Service Mangler, Mr. Trick Dipstick. (He has cleared level 43 of paper pushing, gained 173 experience points and been awarded the Pallet Jack Reward for moving his copious amounts of service reports directly from the printer to the dumpster… He is aiming for the Destroyed a Rain Forrest With Useless Service Reports Achievement Award once he passes level 50.)
“Troy it seems that you have 142.39 on-line tests to take to keep our dealership rolling in dough and single-handedly keeping the Phyllis Diller Auto Group afloat. Is there any reason why you have not caught up on these things?”
Slowly finishing the paragraph I was reading, I placed the index finger of my right hand in the book to hold my place. I then looked over the top of my glasses at Trick and said,
“Well, Trick, since I am on 100% commission and you refuse to cough up the money to actually pay me to take these tests that have nothing to do with my position as the Alignment God, I will do them when I get so bored that weaving my own armpit hair into a designer rug is no longer a priority.”
And with that I went back to Tom Clancy and his prophetic diatribe against the Democratic Party.
“Uh, Troy, taking these tests is a condition of your employment…”
And that is where I blew my last Franisstat (kinda like a Zener diode, but way different).
Let me now impart how I see a “Condition of Employment”.
Folks, I work on 100% commission. That means if I sit around and do not work on a car that is being paid for by either The World Domination Motor Car Corporation or a customer, I make absolutely ZERO!!! There is no “floor” wage that I have as a guarantee, there is no minimum wage for guys like me. We work and make money or we sit around and starve. Now I will agree and abide by the rules that say “keep your area clean and pick up after yourself and the other assholes that tend to throw things on the floor because they are lazy bastards who just don’t care about your area and could not hit a trash can if it was the size of a mountain….” and “Troy we would greatly appreciate it if you would not get grease in the customers cars.” (Although I am still debating that one because after all it was THEIR grease that came off THEIR car to start with and I am just sharing the wealth, so to speak…)
However when I hear the words “Troy, I need a favor…” it is time to hide. I have been known to leap up so fast and head for the White Tank Mountains (White Tank Mountain Regional Park offers approximately 25 miles of excellent shared-use trails, ranging in length from 0.9 mile to 7.9 miles, and difficulty from easy to strenuous. Overnight backpacking, with a permit, is allowed in established back country campsites. Day hikes can provide some breathtaking views of the mountains and panoramas of the Valley below. Horseback and mountain bike riders are welcome, although caution is stressed as some of the trails may be extremely difficult. In addition, there are 2.5 miles of pedestrian-only trails. These include two short trails that are hard-surfaced and barrier free. Waterfall Trail is barrier-free for 5/10 of a mile. The handicap accessible portion now ends about 1/10 of a mile past Petroglyph Plaza. The short loop of Black Rock Trail, which is about 1/2 mile long, begins at Ramada 4. All trails are multi-use unless otherwise designated. All trail users are encouraged to practice proper trail etiquette.) that it will just leave a cloud of dust and brake shavings behind.
So, as you can see I have a a serious problem with:
A) Authority Figures
B) Service Department Weenies
C) Service Department Weenies who wish to be Authority Figures
D) Service Department Weenies who think they are Authority Figures
E) Technician “A”
F) Technician “B”
R) All of the above
W) None of the above
47) I did not know I needed several # 2 pencils
½) Just fail me, I did not study for this test
Please write your answer on a large roll of Barbed Tape Concertina (Single coil wire reinforced concertinas, 38″ in diameter are fabricated from 0.020″ thick ASTM A653 (GA) galvanized steel strip. Strip is clinched around a galvanized steel core wire. Each roll consists of 56 coil loops with pairs of coil loops alternately clipped together at five locations around the circumference. Each coil extends to 50′ when deployed at 21″ coil spacing…) and send it to me via the dealership. Winner will be selected based on the size of the bribes sent to me before I die.
I guess being the oldest tech in the shop has become a bit of a burden. I remember labor rates hovering around $27 an hour. Back in the day, I would get 50% of the labor and ten percent of the parts for my wage. So if I did a brake job that paid 4 hours and had parts totaling $150 I would be paid $54 for the labor and $15 for the parts or $70 total for that job. Cost to the customer around $258
However, now labor rates are around $100 an hour. Same scenario now would cost the customer $400 for labor and $300 for parts and the tech doing all the work would get around $60 to do a more complicated job, having to spend more time on the vehicle, reset computers, buy more tools that cost a hell of a lot of $$$, etc…
So back in the day wage for a extensive brake job = $258 customer cost, $70 to tech.
Today = $700 to customer, $60 to tech.
Hmmmmmm……..
So it all comes down to: more work, less money. And on top of that they expect us to do testing on our own nickel so that the “Certification Standards” for the dealership stays on track. IE: sales gets more “incentives” when buying cars, Service Manglers qualify for trips to the moon, Service Writers get steak and lobster dinners for themselves and 143 of their closest friends and the techs, who are doing stuff FOR FREE get it right up the ‘ol poop shute… Oh, but once in a blue moon the manufacturer does allow us to choose a prize package consisting of a BRENTCO Veg-O-Matic or a even a ShamWow…
Add this to the fact that the “Lot Lizards” get PAID pretty good dough to screw around and not do anything constructive, the Lube Guys who _refuse_ to test drive cars no matter how many times they are told to (threats of slow death and dismemberment don’t even work anymore since THEY said I can not do the actual deed any longer), and shuttle drivers that believe that destruction derby training in the shuttle vans is a fringe benefit. As you can see I am frustrated.
However there IS a silver lining to all this ranting and raving:
I’ve got pictures of The New Guy!!!
Here we see the New Guy seated upon his Thrown. (Yes I know, just deal…)
Here is a candid shot of The New Guy in the Tour De Desert
Yes, folks no one is safe …..
You should see what I have in store for Scooter HugNutz. Muuhhaahahahahahahahah
) to recuperate!!!!! 
