Too Many Cop Shows…
I love my wife.
I love my wife very much.
That being said, my wife is becoming a danger.
Not necessarily a danger to herself, mind you, but a very real danger to me.
It began, I guess when she started “asking” me to do things with a rather authoritative tone and the words “Stop Resisting” started being thrown in for good measure. My personal belief is that she is watching too many “cop shows”…
At first I found it rather amusing that the “shrimp” would be telling the “whale” what to do and getting away with it. Up to recently, it was amusing. Now though, I am not so sure…
Lately it has progressed to the point where is has begun to sound like this:
Shrimp: “The dog has left her entire last year’s coat of fur on the floor.”
Whale: “Mmm-hmm”
Shrimp: ” It looks like crap”
Whale: ” I thought it was hair…”
Shrimp: “Are you getting smart?”
Whale: ” No, I am pretty much as stupid as when you asked me to marry you…”
Shrimp: “License, Registration and Proof of Insurance”
Whale: “What?”
Shrimp: “I SAID: License, Registration and Proof of Insurance, Asshole”
Whale: “Uh, honey, are you feeling ok?”
Shrimp: “That’s it !! Get off the sofa!! Hands on the dining room table…”
Whale: “What’s this all about, Ma’am?”
Shrimp: “Shut up, and do what I tell you to.”
Whale: “I demand to speak with your mother!!!”
Shrimp: “Stop Resisting!!! JESSE!!! CASEY!!! Mom Needs Assistance, Code 3!!!! Get on the ground! Get on the ground!! Where’s my back-up? Get on the ground!!!
Whale: “But I didn’t do anything!! Let go of my kneecap!!!
Shrimp: “Stop resisting!!! If you bend over I will be able to reach something other than your kneecap! I tried to do it the easy way. You could’a just gotten the vacuum out and done the right thing. Instead you had to ignore my lawful order and this is what you get… “
Whale: “Can you at least loosen these damned furry hand cuffs, they’re cutting off the circulation…”
OK, so maybe it is not THAT bad… Or at least it wasn’t until a few nights ago.
I had cooked dinner. I had cleaned up after dinner. I had had a full day at work and decided at around 8pm that I was “toast”. I kissed my wife goodnight and toddled off to bed.
In accordance with the Geneva Convention Protocols, I sleep on the right side of the bed. I hold the remote for the TV in my left hand to make removal, after I have fallen asleep in front of The Military Channel, easier for my wife who will then watch any number of shows guaranteed to leech testosterone from anyone or anything within a 20 yard radius (depending on screen size and audio volume).
The night in question was not any different (I thought) from that of any other night. So I fell asleep watching how the Barrett rifles chambered for the powerful .50 BMG ammunition, originally developed for and used in M2 Browning machine guns were being used to make extraordinary shots of over a mile and a half.
The next thing I know, my left wrist is seized in a powerful grip and is being shaken up and down violently. I am awake in a flash – scared out of my wits thinking Cecily is having a massive asthma attack. I bolt upright in bed ready to carry her to the car for a lightning quick dash to the ER or maybe do combat with an armed intruder or even grab our grab box of important papers because the house is on fire…
Nope.
As I watch in amazement, she continues to use both her hands to shake my wrist up and down.
“Let go of the remote!!!”
[pause while that sinks in]
Since I have not complied yet she starts getting ready to begin smashing my hand into the headboard. “It always works in the movies and on TV. Somebody smashes a guy’s hand until he lets go of the knife or gun or -”
“TV remote control?”
“Yeah. You wouldn’t let go.”
“I was asleep.”
“So?”
“Did you try and take it out by pulling on it?”
“No”
“Did you try and pry off my fingers gently?”
“No”
“So you just decided to go for broke and violently remove it from my possession?”
“Yeah, well as soon as I lifted your wrist you should have dropped it…”
“Ahhhh!!! And then when I did not immediately comply…”
“I resorted to violence. You should have stopped resisting. As you should be able to see by now, resistance is futile as I now have the remote and now you have my permission to go back to sleep.”
At that point, folks, I couldn’t go back to sleep if I wanted to. Instead, I went out and started dusting and vacuuming, in the rather vain hope that her watching America’s Next Top Model or What Not to Wear or Project Runway or even Designing for the Sexes would mellow her out long enough that I might return to the marital bed.
Alas, it was not to be.
I have purchased a Taser.
Purely for my own defense you realize.
She may be little, but then again, so is a Piranha and I am not taking any chances!!