Troy's Rants and Ravings

I find it completely amazing that my oldest son is so amazingly like me.

How in the world can a 22 year old man have a Christmas Wish List that includes “Weapons of Archaic Annihilation” or even a “Lego Apron?”

Now granted he IS my son, but Dear God in Heaven!! This is an individual who is getting his Mechanical Engineering Degree from a “Prominent California Institute of Higher Learning” and yet has a very “Chickish” fascination with Alton Brown and the grand plans to own a house with the kitchen larger than all the other living spaces combined (except for the Computer Room/Garage which to me is just too scary to contemplate).

My guess is that he grew up listening to a truly Decadent radio morning show, listened to the Miscellaneous Ravings of his father far too long and has, frankly, a few too many screws loose for his own good. I have a few good guesses as to what would make his return to the relative “normal” community of mankind possible although he may not feel these suggestions are of any particular use in his case…

#1 Get a good woman to slap him silly and then rebuild him into a manageable form.

My son currently has a great deal of good looking and smart females willing to bash him senseless and thus have a good starting point for the rebuilding process. He should explore these possibilities ASAP.

The downside of this is that he is too headstrong to allow the females to assert dominion over his kitchen. In my own case, the combination of my own brand of humor and a kitchen is, well, exhausting, to say the least. (There are only so many jokes you can make with your hand stuffed up the business end of a turkey on Thanksgiving at 8:30am… And chasing one’s significant other with a 25lb poultry carcass on your arm, wings flapping merrily, gets to be rather tiring as soon as you have passed the 3rd neighbor down the street screaming “Get it off me!!! For God’s sake somebody help me!!!!”)

#2 Add an additional initial to his name.

I think that people who have 2 or more middle initials are either a) whacked b) feminists who can’t decide what name to choose as their own after marriage or c) they are the extreme geniuses of our culture ala J.R.R. Tolkien.

In James’ case I personally vote for P for Poindexter. Yes, I said P for Poindexter! People who reach the age that I, somehow, have managed to attain will remember Poindexter as being the nephew of The Professor, the arch enemy of Felix the Cat. Also as quoted from Wikipedia: “Poindexter is referred to by syndicated radio talk show host Tom Leykis as an unattractive but responsible man, who a woman wants to settle down with after she’s had her fun in life with hotter guys.” (BTW I AM NOT saying my son is in any way unattractive!!! Why else would a cleverly disguised agent of the MOSSAD accost him and rub genetically altered lotions with mind altering characteristics on him at a suburban shopping mall???)

#3) Figure out that the agents of Greatly Influential Reactionaries Lacking in Subtleties (G. I. R. L. S. ) are trying to make him go mad.

These nefarious individuals belonging to many Secret Societies collectively known as F.E.M.A.L.E.S. (Frustratingly Enigmatic Maternal Alien Leprechauns for the Enrichment of Society) are doing the infamous JMF (Jedi Mind _uck) on my First Born Son. They do battle with the most dastardly devastating weaponry, which should be outlawed at the next Geneva Convention. They refuse to fight fair but instead use the well known but equally indefensible weapons of Mankind’s subjugation. Sooner or later all MEN become slaves to the awesome firepower of weapons such as “The Smile of Sweetness”; Hips that articulate in 4 dimensions simultainiously; aftermarket, artificial phermones, genetically engineered to cause confusion, shortness of breath, drooling and complete mental collapse. These along with other such devices, that to other members of G.I.R.L.S., are as subtle as nuclear weapons, but to MEN are as fascinating and deadly as a flame is to a moth.

I realize that James may have some issues realizing the difference between objects # 1 and #3. Trust me they ARE NOT the same. And thus arises the need for vigilance! For only through vigilance shall Mankind triumph against the likes of the fore mentioned GIRLS and FEMALES….

Now that I have solved all my son’s problems, I am free to tackle world peace at my leisure…

To all those that may be reading this and thinking I have lost my one remaining brain cell, be aware I am in the midst of a rather severe flu/cold/death battle and I am trying to remain conscience under the weight of a severe headache.
I think I am losing a winning battle…

Troy Family