My Seeester The Teeecher
Just so everyone is clear on this, I love my sister.
In view of our latest conversation (the one where she insisted that I write about her) I take keyboard in hands to write about her so that she can tell me she is too damned busy to have any kind of fun at all and that she sure as hell does not have time to read anything I write about…
So the above not withstanding, here is the latest thing she does not have time to read…
My sister is not like me.
She has that whole “Diplomat” thing going on. She, for some “unknown-but-to-God” reason, feels she needs to be sensitive to angry, jerk-off, no account, horse faced bitches and assholes who call themselves “parents”. You know, the ones who drop their kids off at the Daycare Center formally known as Middle School. The same cretins who have declared “What happens at daycare either makes me happy or ends up in my attorneys office…” She feels that it is, for some “unknown-but-to-God” reason, her job to educate these heathen bastards so they will actually be able to count their change and know that the number 10 is NOT, in fact, a prime number…even if it says it is right there in the God damned text book. She feels that she has to be “Sensitive to their needs” when some parent gets on the blower and says that their little piece of shit “had better not fail!! Ok, so he/she/them/it did not turn in the last 142 assignments, had to be duct taped to the chair, had to have his/her/their/it’s tongue cut out to shut him/her/them/it up and will not stop bringing his/her/their/it’s Bazooka to school, that’s no reason to give him/her/them/it a D in mathematics!!!! And beside that, the little girl whose hair he/she/them/it set on fire? I hate her mother’s guts so she probably deserved it…”
She tries to be diplomatic and resolve these issues in a calm non-threatening manner.
And I don’t.
Ever.
My sister views parents this way.
I see it this way.
There! Nice and neat. No muss, no fuss.
The whole idea that somehow teachers are there to make damn sure your kids gradgeeates Hi Skhoooll wit a deeplomba at all costs is selfish as well as idiotic.
Here’s an idea: chain the little bastards up, take away everything not absolutely needed to sustain life: Videos games, cell phones, skateboards, TV, Movies, explosives (yeah I know, I have a hard time keeping away from them myself, but dammit something has to be done), I N T E R N E T, until they can prove to a jury of successful business men like Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, Colin Powell, Vlad The Impaler, Genghis and Kublai Kahn (who, incidentally, were the Penn and Teller of their age and and coincidently will be opening for my band Nuns with Nasty Habits at Carlin’s Bar and Grill, 59th ave and Bell Rd) etc. The jury will evaluate each student to ensure that they do, if fact, have some use other than to piss me off…
I am getting to the point where I want to form labor camps just for these snotty little bastards and their snotty parents and make them see what real work amounts to. Turn schools not into social clubs but places of, gee, LEARNING. If your child does not excel in their classes, the PARENTS and the their children are sent out to pick up trash, paint houses, build orphanages, build freeways ( by hand ) and do other civic works.
The liberal idiots who are running around telling us “You can’t do this or that or the other…” are so busy finding who’s to blame that they have never bothered to look in a mirror and see it is themselves. Liberals can’t get it through their head that there are going to be failures. This is NOT the Special Olympics. Not everyone is going to get a ribbon. People are NOT going to make it to college and worse yet, they should not be in college!! Stop trying to make them all go…assholes
And so, it is along these lines, as The Supreme Overlord, I now will be making my list of demands clear.
1. All teachers are to be equipped with bull whips. There will be a mandatory 1 year of intensive training with their whip after which they will be free to use it as needed on students as well as parents, fellow teachers, liberals, school and school district administrators.
2. Eliminate tenure and promote those teachers that can actually teach. Teachers who fail to make the grade are to be ground up and served as processed lunch meat in the cafeteria.
3. All students and faculty will be required to eat lunch in the cafeteria.
4. Any parent who complains about the teachers, will be required to pass the High School exit exam. Failure will be punished by being ground up into dog food.
5. Once a year, teachers who have survived the previous year with more than 2 limbs still attached will vote on which administrators will be fed to the science department shark tank.
6. All unmarried, handsome male teachers of suitable age and disposition will be required to date my sister until she tires of them and has them ground up into Meow Mix.
7. Eliminate Cheer Leading camp. What the hell does that do for kids anyway?
8. Make sure all female gym teachers are gay, just so we don’t have to guess anymore.
9. Marching bands will save money and not force us to buy their trash offerings by actually marching to their destinations instead of being put on buses or airplanes. Stragglers will be left to die unless they have a signed permission slip to be picked up and returned home at quadruple the actual expense which is to be paid by the parents who did not ensure that the child was fit enough for marching band in the first place.
10. In the interest of a stronger society, fighting in the hallways will be encouraged. Losers are to be flunked in all classes and sent to boxing school for a minimum 1 year sentence. Winners will be given a free sundae at Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors to stimulate the local economy. However, if in winning, this makes the winner late for class, the winner will instead be staked out in the football field and be used as a tackling dummy for a period not to exceed one week or (as determined by voice vote of all lower class-men) be tied to the monkey bars and all underclassmen get one (1) free kick to his groin.
I have Spoken.
Let the ridiculing begin.
As one of those filthy yellow libruls you lambaste ever so effortlessly, I feel it is my duty to rectify your knuckle-dragging, slope-browed views with equal candor and honesty.
Parents, I will say it again just to avoid any confusion on the matter, Parents are the primary responsibility holders for their heathen spawn. The desire to parent through placating and whim-granting has made our society weakest where it must be the strongest, with each successive generation.
As easy as it would be to blame the bleeding heart libruls, of which I am a card carrying member (I had to redeem five UPCs from Michael Moore’s Kool-Aid packs), I think it is just as easy to blame the backward thinking hillbilly monkeys who want to keep their Evans and Samanthas from hearing the clearly Satanic-influenced Theory of Evolution, Big Bang Theory, and anything else that is not spelled out in short sentences in the Good Book.
I’m afraid we’ve become a nation of ninnies with folks who believe it is their God given right to remain above approach and from being told they they’ve got a desiccated piece of dog shit between their ears. You’ve got Mommy and Daddy who are too busy to tend to their kid’s report cards and parent bulletins, but know damn well that should the President talk to them over the C-SPAN, their minds will be sapped of any of the Christian learning (there is no doubt that C-SPAN will sap something from the mind, but it’s mostly limited to the will to live). These same Mommies and Daddies are worried that if their kid gets a vaccine, it will give them a disability that is more likely attributable to their asinine parenting skills (or the lack there of).
I think that the Librul intent with college is to make it affordable for those who are qualified to go. The better our national ability to crank out professionals who contribute to society (for which I exclude CLASS and Business majors, who are more likely to end up managing a Starbucks), the better footing our nation stands upon to continue to lead the world in development of new technologies and solutions to the problems that plague us today. The drive to get as many kids into college as possible is a noble one and one that I think is a worthwhile goal.
But the problem is not the teachers. Certainly, there are more bad apples out there who are protected by Teachers Unions who could and should be shitcanned, but that is not the solution (as evidenced by the Conservative NCLB plan). As it reads on every fire extinguisher the world around, you’ve got to start at the bottom (not that I’ve had any extensive need to read fire extinguisher labels). Penalizing teachers is about as effective as just shutting the flaming hellspawn of today’s youth in an airtight room. Yeah, eventually it’ll die down, but you still end up with some ash-strewn wreckage that will cost more money to clean up (which, in this extensive and rather poorly worded metaphor, takes the form of Welfare, Prison, and other social programs).
You have to start from the bottom, from where these wretched demonspawn hellions come from – their parents. You see, the Conservative love to take away rights not clearly enumerated in the Constitution. Privacy? The hell with it! Marriage rights? We’d say up your’s poofter, but you’d like it! Due Process? Wait, oops, yeah, enumerated. But fuck it anyway! It’s time for libruls to start taking away rights. And I want to start to take away the right to procreate! You want to squirt out your ugly little genetic copies, you’ve got to be a productive member of society (Octo-mom publicity stunts and grand standing reality TV couples need not apply). You’ve got to know your ass from a hole in the ground (that’s you, Town-hallers and Bill Mahr lovers). And you’ve got to be able to keep your existing children in check.
I had great teachers, but the biggest stack of great teachers and inspirations wouldn’t have meant to licks of dog shit if I hadn’t of had two parents who were willing to kick me in the ass and keep my act straight.
Librul and conservative politicians are alike in one way though, they’re never going to tell their constituents they’re idiotic sacks of shit (although, Obama can sigh like a m*****f****r, which carries a Jewish-Mother-load of contempt and disgust in it so elegantly). So get used to seeing the politicians attack the flames and not their base. That is business as usual.
@James
“As one of those filthy yellow libruls you lambaste ever so effortlessly, I feel it is my duty to rectify your knuckle-dragging, slope-browed views with equal candor and honesty.”
In all honesty, I was not aiming at you when I said “liberals” because honestly I don’t think you are…
I was aiming it more at the ” tax and spend with no accountability ” crowd more than the Middle of the Road-type liberals. You know, the ones who never saw a social program they did not like even if they could not pay for it. For an example : the teacher being paid 100K a year to stay home because her case “is on appeal” and has been for the last 3 years… And this “teacher’ claims to DESERVE every penny.
http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-goldberg8-2009sep08,0,302470.column
And while I am at it, Who is it that keeps ADMITTED child killers on death row for 20-30 years before pulling the trigger, Conservatives or Liberals?
While I am NOT a card-carrying, Bible Thumping, Evangalist Conservative, there is certainly things Liberal AND Conservative I support. Being paid to sit on your ass happens to be one I do not support. Being a sperm and/or egg donor and figuring that makes you a “Parent” is abhorent to me. On the other hand being allowed to openLY carry a sidearm or shouting down _MY_ REPRESENTATIVE is my right, if you feel that the Founding Fathers actually had any brains at all.
Again we seem to be ignoring the Founding Fathers yet again where they actively rail against goverment being in the business of charity and business. That is exactly WHY THERE WAS A REVOLUTION!!! Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Thomas Payne, et al decried the Goverment as a charity despensing entity. They also said Goverment should be REPRESENTATIVE of the people she BELONGS TO.
In 1774 if any man or woman spoke to any of the Crown’s representative in any other that a fawning voice, the violator would be subject to a publiC flogging…gee, sound familiar??
In 1790 it was common for Congressman to be punched in the nose with inpunity if they failed in their duty to represent the views of those who elected them…NOT THEIR OWN CONSCIENCE!!!
So call me names, but respect the fact that I _DO_ work for a living, pay my taxes, don’t commit really grevious crimes, (although a really good explosion is always fun!!) and do what I can for my fellow man…
And BTW if this country has “out-grown” the right of a private citizen to keep and bear state of the art firearms to protect it against a tyranical goverment (again refer to the ORIGINAL Constitution) so it has also out-grown the need for Labor Unions.
I liked the part about the gym teachers. I mean, who are they kidding? Also, I think parents are asshats regardless of political inclination. It’s in their nature to see their children as God’s (or Vishnu’s) greatest gift to the Earth. Finally, it is kind of ironic that my mother complains about the parents when she herself was quite a vocal parent – mostly for good causes, but vocal nevertheless.
I was thinking about a solution in regards to raising and teaching children. It involved a volunteer group of adults raising and teaching children regardless of whose children they are, almost like an orphanage except you would still be able to visit your parents. Then, I realized that growing up in such a family-free environment didn’t sound fun.
They did that once upon a time. It was called a boarding school.
@James
Yeah, I know what a boarding school is. This was more of a communal thing, and less of a ‘we send you here because we hate you’ thing. Obviously, I didn’t take the time or care to think it out more deliberately.