The “Other” Mechanics…
There are so many other trades out there that I, Once Upon a Time, looked at that appealed to me…
Take the airline industry for example.
Hell, I worry about stupid shit like leaving a wheel loose or not getting a control arm adjuster quite tight enough. Sooo, you get a lot of noise, maybe a 5 car pile up into a bus full of Guatemalan Nuns on sabbatical, a joyride through a Sun City Golf Course, or HEAVENS!!! a dreaded fix-it ticket…something like that, eh? No big deal. Well, unless you happen to be a Guatemalan Nun on sabbatical…
Then you hear about how some muldoon who leaves a 1/4 inch box end wrench from Harbor Freight (29¢ on sale) in some super critical area of a Jumbo Jet and the pilot has to fight for control all the while doing barrel rolls and nose diving from 80,000 feet and then zoom climbing halfway to the moon…
Hmmm… OK so maybe I don’t think I’m cut out for that particular type of job. However there is at least one group of employees of the Quanta’s Airline Maintenance crew who are dead ringers for my way of looking at things. In airplane lingo, a Gripe Sheet is the pilot’s list of mechanical complaints and concerns that were noted in the previous flight. Supposedly all are to be addressed by the ground crews/mechanics and “repaired” and then the maintenance logs are updated and the plane returned to service after the Lead Mechanic responsible countersigns the log. The following is a “Gripe Sheet” (and the, er, uh, “repairs”) from an honest-to-God Maintenance Log of a Boeing 747.
BTW Quanta’s has the best flying record in the world…
Kinda makes you wonder how that’s possible though.
The Qantas’ pilots problems are marked with a P and the “Repairs” and “Solutions” are marked with an S by maintenance crews.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
And, yes, they are all in some strange fashion and/or quirk of genetics, related to me….