I’m not smart or computer literate…
Finally acknowledging that my “career” at the Phylis Diller Auto Group is at the apogee of it’s rather lumpy trajectory, Trick Dipstick is starting to just become flat out insulting.
The other day we were discussing all the upwardly mobile career choices I did not have access to.
“So what about running the Business Development Center??” (The Business Development Center is just fancy pants “Way the fuck overpaid Automotive Consultant speak” for the call center where appointments are overbooked for some Service Writers, under-booked for other Writers and appointments set for the fortunate few that happen to be off that day… Truly, a veritable Land of Intellectual Giants!!!)
“No, Troy, Lyndsey Lowhen is really Smart and Computer Literate. She is doing a great job up there.”
“Is this the same one who shot off those e-mail blasts giving the store away because no one thought to read the proofs from the ad company?” (147 oil changes for under a dollar as part of our “Come In and See The Fools Who Choose to be Masochistic Slaves to The MAN” event. Tin Foil Hats for everyone!! Bring the Kids!! [they make good targets])
“Uh, yes, that’s the one… But she is really Smart and Computer Literate.“
“Is this the same one one that Greg Sandersonford says is a computer genius?”
“Yeah”
“The same Greg Sandersonford who, when he comes calling, ends up bringing down the entire State of Arizona’s phone network, computer network and social network? “
“Yeah.”
“The same Greg Sandersonford that moved a CPU from one room to a room less than 10 feet away and lost 5 years worth of your work?”
“Yeah.”
“The same Greg Sandersonford that has to call someone else to come out and tell him where the power button for his own damned laptop is?”
“Yeah. “
“The same Greg Sandersonford that built a Faraday Cage around his toaster and wears a tin foil hat everywhere he goes to keep THEM from listening to his private conversations ?”
“Yeah. “
“The same Greg Sandersonford that said “Oops, my bad!” when Apollo 13 blew?? “
“Yeah”
“The same Greg Sandersonford that the Geek Squad has standing Shoot to kill – Leave No Survivors orders for?”
“Yeah. But he’s really Smart and Computer Literate.“
As a severe nervous twitch developed in my right cheek/eye area, I gave up and said “OK, Dipstick, point taken. How about driving the service shuttle?”
“Uh, I believe we have that covered.”
“You mean those 450 year old cranky bastards that we have dumping people off are actually an asset??!! Jesus Herman Christ (Really? Well, what did you think the “H” in Jesus H Christ stood for?), Dipstick, have you ever been taken to a destination by those idiots? They are all ex-military jumpmasters… They scream “15 Seconds!! STAND BY!! GO! GO!! GO!!! GO!!!!” and kick the poor bastards out the door without even slowing down!! You remember that poor bastard whose house was down the embankment from the freeway that they dropped off 2 years ago?”
“Yeah I got a card from him the other day, said he would be out of the hospital in a week and the bandages should come off in another 2 months…”
“Did they ever fix the chain link fence and guardrail he went through and the 80 foot crater the poor bastard created when he landed?”
“No, the Army Corps of Engineers are still scratching their heads over that one…”
It was at this point I pretty much gave up on being anything other than the Alignment God while working for the Phyllis Diller Auto Group.
But I do have another option: tackle The New Guy as soon as he get back from the Tour De Marianas Trench (it’s an underwater bicycle race in the South Pacific). Maybe I can get him to sit still and stop listening to his old partner Marley clanking his chains long enough to listen to reason.
Then again probably not…