Wife Noises of Warning
My wife, ( who I love very much, it should be known…) has decided to use one of my own greatest weapons against me. Now and in the past I have used my mouth to amuse and astound her with it’s ability to make sounds and noises that are like the old Hallmark Greeting Card Assortment pack. Whereas Hallmark prided itself on a card for every occasion, I pride myself on a sound or, as I like to call it, an ‘oral genuflection’ for every occasion.
And so now she has decided to use her sweet sultry voice to just scare the living crap out of me, and do incredible feats of physical damage…. And I don’t like it!!! Not one little bit…
You see, once upon a time, there was a very handsome Prince (that would be me, you see) who was driving with his almost as equally lovely princess across northern Arizona toward Kingman. It was a beautiful morning, almost as beautifull as the Prince in fact. We had just left the the 23rd pit stop so the princess could powder her nose ( she buys powder in the LARGE economy barrel ) and we were buzzing along at about 75mph in the middle of nowhere when we passed a sign that read “watch for animals”.
The pricess looked adoringly at her Prince and said, “I wonder what kind of animals…” Shrugging arrogantly and giving the the “Mouth Noise of Who Gives a Rat’s Ass Anyway”, the Prince drove onward.
About 15 minutes later the highway rose slightly blocking the view of the road ahead. As the we crested the hill a very large brown object was noted on the road ahead. The Prince took his foot off the gas and started to brake when the princess decided a warning was in order:
“ANIMAL!!!!!!”
Now Troy! You’re an intelligent man and certainly you’re conversant with the proper use of the apostrophe. You see, it’s one of the things that bother me; the unbridled use of the apostrophe where it’s really not necessary or correct. The other is the refusal of Americans to pronounce ‘bruschetta’ properly at an Italian restaurant. I can be such a bore. It’s pronounced “brew-sket-ta” not the more commonly (outside Italy, that is) “broo-shh-etta”. I am a hit, as you can imagine, with the wait staff at the Olive Garden. Or is it that I am hit by the wait staff at the Olive Garden? I can never remember. Anyway, I digress. To return to my point (and yes, I did have one), the word “it’s” signifies “it is”, being a contraction and all. “Its” is the possessive of “it” as in “…and astound her with its ability to make sounds and noises…” rather than “…and astound her with it’s ability to make sounds and noises…”.
As I said, I’m such a bore, am I not?
Your brother-in-law…one of them anyway.