My Nipples are in an uproar!!!!
OK so my nipples are in a major uproar… And I blame everyone.
Generally, I am a big baby when I am sick with the flu; I lie around and whine and cough and just look miserable and hope for a mercy meal that will be spoon fed to me by The Princess… Since she has refused to do that, you people are going to listen to me be pissy…
By the way: FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD!!!
First off, what the hell is wrong with those idiotic fat soccer moms in the Tempe/Mesa area that they feel so outraged that Victoria’s Secret posters are on the side of a building? Do you see fat old farts like me bitching because some male model with no shirt on and .001% body fat is posing on a billboard for jeans? Jesus Christ All-Mighty!!! Get over the fact that you are fat and ugly and realize that Slim and Beautiful sells product. Personally I am getting all pissed off looking at Lane Bryant Billboards!!! Better get my Fat Old Fart Club together so we can protest that the “fat woman store” is coming to town and may want to advertise!!!
Second: Bad Ass Coffee is coming to Surprise!! And according to the morons at the AZ Republic, “several mom’s clubs” are pissing and moaning about the name of a frickin’ coffee shop!!! I have the solution here.
I want a death capsule implanted under the skin of every one of those stupid ass “moms”… If they EVER so much as mutter the words “Shit” or “Fuck” or any other word generally recognized as a “swear word” in front of ANY child, whether theirs or not, the capsule will release a hormone that will cause their ass to immediately balloon to 20 times it’s previous size. Note that I was going to say original size, but for most of the ignorant bitches who can not take the time to teach their kids right from wrong and insist the community do it for them, their asses ALREADY ARE 20 times their original size…
While I am pissing people off allow me to piss off my own industry and the idiots that write about it:
You stupid fucking consumer protection assholes cause more automotive damage and consumer injuries than you protect against!!
On MSN.com under the heading of a “Consumer Reports” article about automotive rip-offs http://autos.msn.com/advice/CRArt.aspx?contentid=4023891 #5 states:
“You have to bring your car back to the dealership for service.”
“Sure, the dealer wants all the lucrative repair and maintenance jobs. But generally, you need to use a dealer only for work covered under the warranty, recalls, post-warranty fixes you’re hoping the manufacturer will pay for under its “good will” program or high-tech systems that require a dealership’s specialists.”
Hey you stupid fucks, you ever think that the manufacturer’s “Good Will” program is for all the jack offs that NEVER see a dealer unless it’s for warranty work? Good fucking luck with that. Good Will is a factory program to help LOYAL customers. The ones who realize that THE DEALERSHIP is where you buy QUALITY parts and have EXPERT (hopefully) mechanics that actually are trained at the manufacturer’s schools on the THEORY of how this thing works. I hate to break this to the fine “experts” at MSN and CR but EVERYTHING is becoming a series of “high-tech systems that require a dealership’s specialists.”
I have seen numerous instances where a customer has over 100,000 miles on an engine guaranteed for 60,000 get a new engine from the Factory because he was LOYAL to the dealership. Try that at Jiffy Lube!!!! By the way, since when does Jiffy Lube compete with dealerships on price? Do they also use oil filters with anti back flow valves or do they use the 20 for a dollar cheap junk? Do they wash the car? Can they fix anything they find during your oil change?
That “$99.00 brake friction reline” is a joke. More like 329.99 per axle after they get you for all the hardware and add-ons they hit you with. I have not overhauled a brake caliper in 10 years… And not because I am lazy, THEY DON’T FUCKING NEED IT!!!!! Nor, do they need rotors, drums and hardware every time under normal conditions. Yeah, some people ARE abusive with their 52” wheels and tires on their Corolla, BUT most brake jobs I do are around $199 an axle because the brake pads and shoes are made of expensive stuff so they work and they don’t make noise. Yes, I DO take the time to clean everything, adjust everything CORRECTLY and then test drive my work.
Look, I don’t want the guy who just got pulled out from under the dash of a 1972 Volvo to do my brake job while he mumbles about short circuits and electrical nightmares while he stares at a manual trying to figure out the evaporative emission problem on a 2005 Lexus…
And while I am going totally sideways, I also found this:
Some clown on MSN blabs on about how to jump start your car, AFTER YOU COVER THE BATTERY WITH A RAG!!!! And that it is not a good idea to jump start a FROZEN BATTERY, “but if you have to”, just cover it with a rag so when it does explode, your fenders are protected….
Let’s see rag – flammable, check
Hydrogen gas – flammable, check
Sparks from battery – ignition source, check
Moron standing over battery – soon to be casualty, check
“Okay, go ahead and crank it over!!”
Mission Control we have ignition and lift off…..
You people are killing me faster than this damned flu…
I’ve wanted death capsules forever.
Maybe something like ol’ Duke Leto Atreides used. A fake moral with killing, green gas. Then you could design a circuit that would respond to the right curse word.
Brilliant!
As usual another fine writing from our certified man on a mission, I think you are way funnier when you’re sick or maybe just fed up with all the same stuff most of us are fed up with. Absolutely Fantastic Troy keep it up. This one is worth printing and handing out to everyone in our industry.